Running through the streets with tears streaming down her face, she cradled the treasure that had cost her everything. Bursting through the door she had eyes only for one thing, His face. Desperation fueled her frantic searching until her eyes met His.
Tears still streaming, she pushed past the dignified crowd. Weeping aloud now, her tears of unbridled affection and gratitude to her Savior, her Deliverer and her friend began to leave trails through the dust on His feet. Unabashedly, she began to wipe them clean with her hair. Then amidst gasps of judgment, she disclosed her hidden treasure, a costly perfume meant to be a dowry for future husband. Breaking it open in a messy display, she poured it out on His feet. Painting a vivid picture of absolute dependence and surrender to her Messiah. As the room filled with the fragrance of her love, it also filled with the sounds of disapproval. “Such extravagance!” they whispered, “such a waste!”
Her heart was unmoved, though it had cost her everything, it seemed too small a price. Had she to do it all again, she would. She wanted to give all she was to receive all that He is. She was forever changed by the love she found in His eyes. She is the picture of worship

Authentic- genuineness, the genuineness or truth of something.

The bible uses the word integrity a good bit which upon literal interpretation usually means:

innocent, simplicity, completeness, fullness.

I have been thinking about my own personal authenticity  this week.  See, I strive daily to be a person of integrity, authentic to who I really am;  who God says I am.   Because I am in Christ, He sees me as innocent, complete  and whole. Sounds a lot like authenticity does it not? So why is it so difficult at times to live the authentic life I long for? I think it’s because often I  allow other’s opinions and perceptions alter how act. Sometimes, my own wounded-ness  caused by living life on this earth has altered in my mind who I think I am.  Somewhere down the line, I got the messages that “ I alone am not enough”,” my best is not good enough”, “if I am not doing nice things, I am not enough”,” if I appear weak, I am not enough”, “if I don’t act a certain way, I am not enough”,” if I feel sad or angry, I am not good enough”, “If I question life or God, I am bad”,” If I am not always smiling and helping out others, I am not good enough”, and on and on and on….

It is exhausting trying to live up to the unattainable standard that I have imposed on myself. What right do I have to think that I am not enough, when God Himself has deemed me of infinite value simply because I have breath in my lungs?  If I were authentic, I would live my life through the lense of God. It is when I life my life with the simple faith of a child that I am who He says I am, that I am genuinely authentic. When I realize the simple truth  that my value has NOTHING to do with me or what I do, or say or feel and EVERYTHING about what price that was paid for me. Then I am simply authentic.  God paid the price of the life of His only Son to pay for the debt that I could never ever pay so that I could be the real me.

At one time I would see addiction, sin, brokenness and bad behavior from the world as something that needed to be corrected by the sinner. I acted as though  it was within the power of humans to change themselves; somehow buying into the lie that we can evolve out of sinfulness by simply changing the behaviors that are ugly.  If I am honest, I still fall into that line of thinking more than I wish that I did.   It is so easy to think that by simply modifying one’s behavior, we could change the world’s fallen nature.

This week I have had a lot time to ponder and pray about my own heart. Much of my prayer has been focused on asking God to make my heart tender to the things that he is tender toward, to see things as He does and to show me wrong perceptions and beliefs that I still hold.  The most significant thing that I have been pondering is the unbelievable brokenness of humanity and the overwhelming love of a God who came to redeem them even though some may never turn to Him.

I know firsthand the affects of addiction and brokenness on mankind. My family has a long track record of both and I have felt many things this holiday season as I pondered the affects they have had on me and my family.  To watch as man’s attempt to feel normal drags them deeper into a pit of despair is disheartening.  Realizing my own powerlessness to fix the problem is discouraging on the one hand and eye opening on the other.  It has opened my eyes to see the beauty of what the cross means. It has revealed more of the heart of the Father for a desperate people.   It is revealing the depth of love He has for us, an adulterous people.

I am so glad that God is not like me. I would have destroyed the whole world and started again. I would have created beings like robots that would love me, do my bidding and not mess it up.   He was so much more gracious, he made a way for us, who wander away like sheep, to come back into the fold.  He loves us enough to weep with us in our own pain and woo us gently as we wander around blindly. He loves us. The God of the universe, who is perfect and gracious, loves us, who are broken and less than grace filled. Oh, the beauty of the cross! Oh, the Love of our God!  He is Grace and He is Love.

As I close out this year, I am grateful for his love and grace for me. I am humbled and in awe of his redemption of sinners. Praise Him who heals and Praise Him who saves!

Happy New year!!

Sadly what comes out of our mouths is dictated by the state of our heart. If we are living in a connected relationship with Father God, then our hearts will become more and more like His heart. Therefore our speech will become more and more like His. The way that we think about situations and people will be different because we will be reflecting back the love of the Father. Think about this for a minute, Father God created all of mankind in HIS image. If we say that we love God, then won’t we also love his image bearers here on earth even if that image seemly does not even resemble Him? Jesus takes that a step further and says that if we say we love him, yet don’t love our brother and sister, we are liars.

I was talking about this to my ten year old daughter a couple of weeks ago after a particularly hard day at school. She verbalized what many of us would if we were not so “dignified”. She said, “How in the world do I love that person….. I cannot stand them!” I think it is a natural tendency in people to equate our feelings about someone to dictate whether or not we love them. Love is not an emotion though. Love is a choice, a commitment to someone’s well being. Actually in the Merriam Webster dictionary one of the definitions is this: “an unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another.” That is a hard pill to swallow for anyone who lives according to their feelings which change from minute to minute! I also looked up benevolent which means: marked by or disposed to doing good. Unselfish, loyal and marked by doing good toward someone who treats me poorly or even someone who annoys me beyond belief is extremely difficult.

This is why I cannot live by how I feel, but by truth. That truth is that all people have great value because they are made in the image of God and all people were bought with a great price, the life of the Son of God. All of us have fallen short of the ideal. All of us are broken but the Lord placed a stamp of worth on all man kind when he chose to die for us. Even in the most depraved state of being, a human still has this great worth. Oh, Lord, help me to love the people you came to save! Help me to choose to treat them as you would! Give me eyes to see beneath angry, sad or annoying exteriors. Give me ears to hear what is not being said. Most of all, give me your heart of love for a broken people.

Who is God? Who is this Christ that I follow? This deity, omniscient, omnipresent, all-powerful, all seeing, miracle producing, commanding all created things, the uncreated Creator, the One who is, who was and who will be, the God who stepped down off His throne and was born in a barn to an unwed girl. This baby, who was born to die for a broken, fallen people, who is He? This God who walked for thirty something years as a human man, fully God and fully man. Who is this God man who was moved with compassion for the people he described as sheep without a shepherd? This God, who told the lame man to pick up his mat and walk, opened the eyes of the blind, loosed the tongue of the mute, commanded demons to leave, fed the hungry, loved the unlovable, who is He? This sovereign God, who directs the steps of the righteous, causes all things to work for our good and speaks healing to our pain and freedom to our shame.

I will be honest and say, I still have no idea who He really is. I don’t know nearly as much as I wish, nor will I until I see Him face to face. I crave the knowledge of Him, the experiential knowledge of Him more than anything. I want desperately to have a heart like his. I want to me moved with compassion for a world full of sheep without a shepherd. I see glimpses of Him in people around me and even marvel at times when I see Him in me. I am humbled and brought to tears by the lack of His resemblance in my life though. I’m so grateful that it’s not up to me to form his heart in mine. I am so relieved that I serve a merciful, gracious God, who is slow to anger! Praise God!
I hope that this Christmas, you will join with me in my meditation on the personhood of Christ. May He blow your perceptions of Him out of the water! May you fall in love with the lover of your soul.
Merry Christmas!!

Today in my quiet time I began thinking about it again. So, like every other distracting thought that comes into my head, I jotted it down on the notebook beside me to research later. The question “why would a bird sing at night?”, was repeating in my head over and over. To me, birds are creatures of praise. That is what I think of when I hear them. They just exist and worship, that’s it. Okay, back to my thoughts… birds usually are silent at night…sleeping or whatnot. So I googled the topic and began to read these threads about it. Here are the most common streams of thought.

1. A hungry cat has recently moved into the neighborhood causing the raucous

2. There is too much light in the area

3. Too much noise during the day so they sing at night. (mating calls, communicative singing)

So, here is what I felt drop in my spirit. We as believers are quick to sing our praises during the day, when we can see the light but when the darkness comes, we are often silenced out of fear of the hungry cat (roaring lion, enemy of our souls) or we are so busy during the day that the voice of God is drowned out by the noisiness around us. I know that I tend to withdraw my praises, not intentionally, but it just seems that when life gets really hard and I feel alone, I get quiet in my worship and prayers. It just dwindles until I am left cold, empty and fearful. I want to be like that bird. I want my song to be heard by God and the enemy even in the darkest moments of my life. I want to lift my voice loudly in prayer and praise when I hear the enemy coming. Lord, give me a song in the night, a word of praise during fear. Give me ears to hear in the midst of the storms around me. Help me to stay focused on you!! You are my deliverer, my refuge and my salvation!

2 Kings 4:1-7 A certain woman of the wives of the sons of the prophets cried out to Elisha, saying, “Your servant my husband is dead, and you know that your servant feared the LORD. And the creditor is coming to take my two sons to be his slaves.” So Elisha said to her, “What shall I do for you? Tell me, what do you have in the house?” And she said, “Your maidservant has nothing in the house but a jar of oil.” Then he said, “Go, borrow vessels from everywhere, from all your neighbors—empty vessels; do not gather just a few. And when you have come in, you shall shut the door behind you and your sons; then pour it into all those vessels, and set aside the full ones.” So she went from him and shut the door behind her and her sons, who brought the vessels to her; and she poured it out. Now it came to pass, when the vessels were full, that she said to her son, “Bring me another vessel.” And he said to her, “There is not another vessel.” So the oil ceased. Then she came and told the man of God. And he said, “Go, sell the oil and pay your debt; and you and your sons live on the rest.”

How do you raise a generation who fears God and seeks holiness? How do you teach that humility precedes holiness to a people of such independence and pride? How do you seek to have broken vessels filled with the spirit of God. The task is daunting and at times seems unattainable. I know this, it cannot be done by the ideas of man. It will not happen because we have some cool new way of presenting God. It will not happen by implementing some new program. When the widow went to Elisha, she had nothing to stop the creditors from taking her sons into slavery but some olive oil. I can tell you this, if someone told me that the mortgage company was coming to take my little one, olive oil would not be a comforting thought. I would probably panic, had a prophet given me those instructions! However, as a youth worker, I see the enemy taking our kids onto slavery on a weekly basis. As ministers, parents, leaders, we having nothing in and of ourselves that could snatch them back from becoming slaves to the enemy of our souls. However, we do have the oil of the Spirit of God. I am praying and asking The holy spirit to be released in a powerful way among the teens that I work with. I am asking for deliverance from bondage, freedom from fears and a group of teens who can say that they have seen God. I am not interested in a youth group full of kids who can play church, talking the talk and faking holiness, I want to see the fire of God resonating from them as they seek His face. Messy? Yes, but nothing worth having comes easily or without cost! What about you, have you come to the place where you have exhausted your man made efforts to see change in a situation? It’s time to seek the face of God…not just his hand and what He can do for us, but His face! That is my heart right now! I pray that you too will begin to come to the end of human resources so that all you can do it seek Him.

You crazy Galatians! Did someone put a hex on you? Have you taken leave of your senses? Something crazy has happened, for it’s obvious that you no longer have the crucified Jesus in clear focus in your lives. His sacrifice on the cross was certainly set before you clearly enough.  2-4Let me put this question to you: How did your new life begin? Was it by working your heads off to please God? Or was it by responding to God’s Message to you? Are you going to continue this craziness? For only crazy people would think they could complete by their own efforts what was begun by God. If you weren’t smart enough or strong enough to begin it, how do you suppose you could perfect it? Did you go through this whole painful learning process for nothing? It is not yet a total loss, but it certainly will be if you keep this up!  5-6Answer this question: Does the God who lavishly provides you with his own presence, his Holy Spirit, working things in your lives you could never do for yourselves, does he do these things because of your strenuous moral striving or because you trust him to do them in you? Don’t these things happen among you just as they happened with Abraham? He believed God, and that act of belief was turned into a life that was right with God. 11-12 The obvious impossibility of carrying out such a moral program should make it plain that no one can sustain a relationship with God that way. The person who lives in right relationship with God does it by embracing what God arranges for him. Doing things for God is the opposite of entering into what God does for you. Habakkuk had it right: “The person who believes God, is set right by God—and that’s the real life.” Rule-keeping does not naturally evolve into living by faith, but only perpetuates itself in more and more rule-keeping, a fact observed in Scripture: “The one who does these things [rule-keeping] continues to live by them.“

I was thinking today about churches that practice legalism and why people stay in that environment. I came to the conclusion that there is something safe about having rules and guidelines to “stay in the good graces” of God. As someone who, by nature (or nurture) tends to follow the rules, I can understand that logic. Rules tell me what is expected of me, what keeps me out of trouble, what keeps me safe and I can know the outcome if I follow them. I am also a list person, an organizer, clean freak. Why am I this way? Only God knows, but as such, I struggle with things that take me out of the drivers seat. I like to know the outcome, I like to know the expectations, I like to be in control. I struggle with the feeling that my eternal value is dependent on someone other than me. Yes, I KNOW that it’s not dependent on me or my behavior, but I have struggled and continue at times to struggle with this fear. I am fully aware that there is nothing on earth that I can do to earn the love of God. There is nothing I can do to make Him like me more than he already does, nor is there anything that can rip me from His hands. So, why is the struggle to perform for Him still there? I think it comes down to my unwillingness to rest in the truth. Truth is a person, Jesus. Yes, all too often I refuse to REST in the fact that Jesus has already done the work for me. We all REFUSE to rest in this truth every time we “do something” to earn his favor. He has redeemed me. He has payed my way. He has covered my screw ups past, present and future. There is a huge difference in doing good works because we love Him vs doing good things to make Him love us more. Yet, these two motives get mixed up for me sometimes. I do love my beautiful Savior, so much so that it brings me to tears even typing it out, but I must remember that I cannot even love Him unless He causes me to. I feel like the Galatians… I feel as though someone has come and bewitched me with this belief that nothing in life is free. But it is free, this love offered to me by God. It’s free to me and it’s free to you, but came at a great cost to Him. What makes me feel that I have anything that could come close to repaying Him?? Such pride. God forgive me.

I don’t know what I really was in high school… I would probably go with the cheerleader since I was the captain of the cheerleading team.