Revive Us! April 24, 2009

2 Kings 4:1-7 A certain woman of the wives of the sons of the prophets cried out to Elisha, saying, “Your servant my husband is dead, and you know that your servant feared the LORD. And the creditor is coming to take my two sons to be his slaves.” So Elisha said to her, “What shall I do for you? Tell me, what do you have in the house?” And she said, “Your maidservant has nothing in the house but a jar of oil.” Then he said, “Go, borrow vessels from everywhere, from all your neighbors—empty vessels; do not gather just a few. And when you have come in, you shall shut the door behind you and your sons; then pour it into all those vessels, and set aside the full ones.” So she went from him and shut the door behind her and her sons, who brought the vessels to her; and she poured it out. Now it came to pass, when the vessels were full, that she said to her son, “Bring me another vessel.” And he said to her, “There is not another vessel.” So the oil ceased. Then she came and told the man of God. And he said, “Go, sell the oil and pay your debt; and you and your sons live on the rest.”

How do you raise a generation who fears God and seeks holiness? How do you teach that humility precedes holiness to a people of such independence and pride? How do you seek to have broken vessels filled with the spirit of God. The task is daunting and at times seems unattainable. I know this, it cannot be done by the ideas of man. It will not happen because we have some cool new way of presenting God. It will not happen by implementing some new program. When the widow went to Elisha, she had nothing to stop the creditors from taking her sons into slavery but some olive oil. I can tell you this, if someone told me that the mortgage company was coming to take my little one, olive oil would not be a comforting thought. I would probably panic, had a prophet given me those instructions! However, as a youth worker, I see the enemy taking our kids onto slavery on a weekly basis. As ministers, parents, leaders, we having nothing in and of ourselves that could snatch them back from becoming slaves to the enemy of our souls. However, we do have the oil of the Spirit of God. I am praying and asking The holy spirit to be released in a powerful way among the teens that I work with. I am asking for deliverance from bondage, freedom from fears and a group of teens who can say that they have seen God. I am not interested in a youth group full of kids who can play church, talking the talk and faking holiness, I want to see the fire of God resonating from them as they seek His face. Messy? Yes, but nothing worth having comes easily or without cost! What about you, have you come to the place where you have exhausted your man made efforts to see change in a situation? It’s time to seek the face of God…not just his hand and what He can do for us, but His face! That is my heart right now! I pray that you too will begin to come to the end of human resources so that all you can do it seek Him.

Love and the fear of drowning September 10, 2008

Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world.
I john 4:17

There are many times in my life that I find it hard to believe that God takes pleasure in me. He takes pleasure from those who desire Him in the depths of their heart. Those He calls His own, he delights in us. He is in love with us…. A broken and weak people. We are His betrothed. He is lovesick for us.
I was listening to a teaching this week while traveling, that made this statement:

“God is so in love with his church that if we just lean in His direction, He will run ten steps closer.”

That is a beautiful thought to me. I struggle so much with this mindset of making myself worthy of His love, that at times I forget that it is less about what I do and more about my heart. I cannot bring more value to myself than He bestowed upon me when He send His Son to die for me. That is the value of my life, the life of the Son of God. That is your value too. Why is it so difficult to believe that sometimes?

We have all heard the verse that says ‘perfect Love cast out all fear’ which by the way is the directly following the one at the top of this page, but to understand the depth of that statement, I think that verse 17 is important. Love has been perfected among us….because as HE is, so are WE IN THIS WORLD. This is not talking about our character being perfect, but our position to God through Christ. It is saying that in the eyes of God, the judge of the world, we are in the same position as Jesus. Do you grasp that?? I mean it is blowing my mind the more I chew on this. I have talked to many believers over the years who live in fear of God’s judgment, disapproval and punishment so much that they are paralyzed. When you cannot see the truth of this verse, and the work that God already did to bring us into relationship with Him, you live in fear and bondage. God is so much in love with us, a broken, needy people, that He did the work to make it possible to be with Him. He already accomplished it. There is nothing left for us to do, but lean into Him.

Have you ever seen a movie or television show, an individual who cannot swim, thrown into a pool or river that they think is deep water? They struggle, panic, flail about only to realize that they are in only a few feet of water? All they had to do was stand up? Sometimes I feel like as Christians we do the same thing. We get into this life called Christianity all bound with fears of failing and judgment and instead of standing up in the position that Christ has given us, we flail around, striving and working to earn that position. We do not have to cower in shame nor do we have to grovel for mercy, He has already given the greatest gift of mercy available! We can stop striving and trying to keep our head above water so to speak, we are not going to drown. We cannot be ripped from the hand of the God who holds us. Our beautiful, all powerful, sovereign and lovesick bride groom sees us with eyes burning with the flame of love. Stand up and take your position in Him. Accept that there is no fear in Love. We have to believe that the debt has been paid IN FULL. We own nothing and are free to reciprocate the love He has given us. Hallelujah!!

It’s like wearing glasses August 29, 2008

Intercession is different than prayer.  When I pray, a lot of times, it is things that I think about, worry about, care about and just talking to Jesus.  For me, intercession takes place when Jesus communicates His heart for a  situation and causes me to identify with Him. Intercession is praying the heart of God,  it is praying in agreement with Him. I am an intercessor. That is something that God has called me to be. However there are times when the nature, problems, sins and losses of those I am called to intercede on behalf of can cause me to be discouraged. As a result of this, I have two choices, I can hide deeper in Jesus, or I can put on blinders and  hide away from it.  When I find myself depending on my own nature and strength to “pray” I quickly burnout!!  When I get so involved in people’s pain that I lose sight of God’s heart for that situation, I will burnout too.

See, it’s like wearing glasses. I was laying on my bed this afternoon, praying and I took off my glasses because my eyes just got tired of focusing on things. Sounds silly, I know, but I just wanted to gaze at the blur of my ceiling instead of the patterns formed by the double knock down ceiling. I was sort of thinking all this while praying and I felt God stop me. He helped me to see that there are times that I get tired of  focusing my spiritual eyes on the effects of this fallen world so I take off my “spiritual glasses” in order to get a break. I stop seeking the heart of the father, because the closer I am to His heart, the more I will begin to feel my heart breaking with His. So if I back away, I don’t have to “see it”. I can rest.  I become near sighted again.

There is an effect on my own life as well when I am pulling away from Jesus, I can become self centered, impatient, sullen, and withdrawn in my disillusionment. Sounds a lot like II Peter 1:5-10 to me. It says:

“5For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. 8For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins.
10Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall…”

How do you come to possess these things? By being intimate with Christ. It is a fact that those we are in closest relationship with, we begin to imitate…it’s just human nature. This applies to our relationship with Jesus too.
II Corinthians 3:17-18 says: “17 Now the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. 18 But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.”

I love the imagery of beholding as in a mirror, the glory of the Lord.  That just sounds so intimate to me. To have an unveiled face, to be laid bare before Him,  and to reflect back the image of Christ! That is so beautiful to me. I don’t want to be nearsighted when I gaze upon Him. I want to see clearly who He is, so that I can reflect accurately His heart for His people. I want to be laid bare before the lover of my soul!

So often I put myself in bondage to performance again, when I lose sight of the relationship and try to do the job myself. My prayers become fleshly…based on my own thoughts, feelings and beliefs… which are so discouraging!  Intercession works only when it is born of a right relationship with Christ…it cannot be duplicated!

How about you, do you find your self trying to do your “calling” out of your own strength? Does it lead you to burn out?

For your information July 25, 2008

Since, It’s been about a year since I began blogging and I have a lot more readers now… (though not many commenters..hint hint ) I thought I would post my life story in cliff note version. So you can know a little about me!

I was born in 1978 to my parents, the first-born child of two. My brother was born 2 ½ years later. My parents were both Christians and were involved in church. My father worked shift work at a mill about 45 minutes away.  My mom worked too, but only when we were asleep or at school. She was around a lot. She was sort of the June Cleaver type, cooking, cleaning and generally involved in our lives.
Most of the memories of my family are of being super involved in church. Our lives were always wrapped around it. They are mostly good memories now.   At one time most of them brought the sting of rejection.  I never felt that I could measure up to what I was supposed to be. Some unattainable and lofty Godliness that I now know is impossible to achieve.  I knew what a mature Christian looked like and I could talk the talk really well. I thought I was one.  I was running frantically trying to look like I had it figured out. At school, I performed too. I was a good student and  a cheerleader.  I made sure everyone knew I was a Christian. I was so judgmental and  hypocritical. Don’t get me wrong, I loved Jesus to the best of my ability (or so I thought)  and I did genuinely want others to know Him.  I just did it out of fear and  did not know what it was like to have  love relationship with the One who created me.  I now know that I did not have the steps in the middle filled in.  What do I mean? Well I did not have a relationship with Christ. I just had empty rituals and jargon. I had the appearance of Godliness but not the power of God. I had a distant, performance-based relationship with Him. I felt that He was constantly disappointed in me. I could never do enough to make Him proud of me…. It took some time to realize this was not the first time I had felt like this.  I had felt like this all my life growing up. I never felt that I could please my parents. I felt that nothing was ever good enough. I had to be the best at everything I did or I was a failure.  I put up a good facade of being a happy, well-adjusted, Christian girl but on the inside, I was miserable. I hated my life and wished I were dead.
I was 11 the first time I thought about suicide.  The thought came to my mind dozens of times a day. Every time I felt angry, hurt or like a failure, I would think about ending my life. I was too afraid of actually killing my self so I began to cut.  I would run razors over my skin until I felt some sort of relief from the emotional pain. Anything to relieve the pressure in my life. I wrote out so many suicide notes that I lost count.  I never told anyone this until later on in life. It was my secret shame, one more area I could not live up to the standard. Who was I to feel this way? I had a good family, I was not the neglected child of divorced parents!!  How could I help others if I could not help myself? I had nothing to give. I was empty and broken.  I tried to bring worth to myself by  performing and looking like I had it all together,  all in the hope that my pain would be healed.  I began thinking that if I got married.  I thought that a husband who loved me unconditionally would heal my pain. I began dating Jon in 1995, The summer before Senior year.  We dated exclusively until we got married in 1998. Within six months of marriage, I began to have suicidal ideas again. I was devastated. I really thought that marriage was going to bring me relief. I came to realize that there was no human who could fill the emptiness in my soul. I had to face the fact that it was not my circumstances that were causing my so much pain. The pain was in me. The problem was me. I joined a seekers group through Living Well Ministries in September 1998.  That small group of women  helped lead me out of the darkness I was living in. I know that God ordained this step in my life and  I am so grateful to my Father in Heaven that He spared my life. Not only did He spare it, He has redeemed it and brought meaning and joy into it. He sent me on a journey to discover why I felt the way I did and taught me how to Love myself and others from the abundance of my heart instead of the emptiness. I now know that Love is a choice. I don’t have to look for love to fill my brokenness, I now love because I know what love is…it has a name and that name is Jesus Christ!
I love my life now. I am even at peace with my past. I am very glad that I lived through the pain I did  because through it I saw the kind of God I serve. Suicide is no longer a thought for me. I am happily married and I love who God created me to be. He has transformed me. I now gladly serve Him because He brought me out of darkness into the light of His love.  I love Him more than anything in this world! I now see a constant thread throughout my life that was Him. He wove together the ugly, dark of my past with the light and beauty of  His love and made a beautiful tapestry!

The Shack July 12, 2008

Have you read it? I read it this past week and it totally rocked me. I have been rethinking some of my beliefs about the relational aspect of God. I can’t explain it, but I cried all the way through the book, not because it was scary or sad, although to some it will be, but because I was seeing the heart of God in a totally different light. I saw Jesus in a new light too.

Now, I will admit, there is a part that I will not ruin if you have not read it, but I almost put the book away when I got to it. I actually did put the book down and asked my husband if he was crazy for recommending the book to me!  After some persuasion, I picked it back up and now understand the authors intent!

So, if you have read it, what did you think? If you have not read it, go read it!!

Maturity April 18, 2008

Often times as Christians, I feel that we focus on “saving souls” and not on Christian maturity. Jesus told us to go and make disciples of all men. A disciple was one who was chosen by a rabbi to follow them around and learn as much as they could from that rabbi about his yoke, or his interpretation of the scriptures. Rob Bell talks about this in his book Velvet Elvis… He says that a disciple was one who followed his rabbi so closely that the dust from the rabbi’s feet would cover the face and body of the disciple. That’s really close… I mean, I have issues with people being in my personal space and the feeling of someone walking right on my heals bugs the snot out of me but what if being a true disciple means being that close to the Lord? What if those people that God has placed in my life to be discipled to the best of my ability, means that my life has to be one that is worthy of being so closely inspected? What if every word that comes from my mouth is truly speaking life or death? That’s what the word says…the power of life and death is in the tongue. It also says that we will be judged for every idle word that we speak. That is a powerful statement to me. I am very opinionated and tend to be vocal at times about my opinions so this thought came to me this week… what if I speak my opinion about a situation and it is opposed to what God intends for that same situation? UGh… I am running circles in my head. I know that I am rambling a lot, this is a totally spontaneous blog…just wanted to get some of these thoughts out on “paper”… so this is my brain, jumbled and thinking.

SO back to what I was thinking. What if every action of mine, is catalyst in someones life for either help or harm? Obviously I am not God, I am not perfect, but I am called to be holy, for He is HOLY. I believe it was Paul who said***, it would be better to tie a millstone around my neck and jump in the ocean than to make a little one stumble. and by little one, that means a young, immature Christian. Oh, wow, how many times should I have just jumped into the ocean??

What are your thoughts out there in blog land?? Is any of this making sense to you?? what have you learned in your life about this??

CORRECTION-

*** It was not Paul it was Jesus who made this statement!

Lazarus, come forth February 7, 2008

John 11:30-44 (the message)
Jesus had not yet entered the town but was still at the place where Martha had met him. When her sympathizing Jewish friends saw Mary run off, they followed her, thinking she was on her way to the tomb to weep there. Mary came to where Jesus was waiting and fell at his feet, saying, “Master, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died.”
Jesus saw her sobbing and the Jews with her sobbing, a deep anger welled up within him. He said, “Where did you put him?”
“Master, come and see,” they said. Now Jesus wept.
The Jews said, “Look how deeply he loved him.”
Others among them said, “Well, if he loved him so much, why didn’t he do something to keep him from dying? After all, he opened the eyes of a blind man.”
Then Jesus, the anger again welling up within him, arrived at the tomb. It was a simple cave in the hillside with a slab of stone laid against it. Jesus said, “Remove the stone.”
The sister of the dead man, Martha, said, “Master, by this time there’s a stench. He’s been dead four days!”
Jesus looked her in the eye. “Didn’t I tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?”
Then, to the others, “Go ahead, take away the stone.”
They removed the stone. Jesus raised his eyes to heaven and prayed, “Father, I’m grateful that you have listened to me. I know you always do listen, but on account of this crowd standing here I’ve spoken so that they might believe that you sent me.”
Then he shouted, “Lazarus, come out!” And he came out, a cadaver, wrapped from head to toe, and with a kerchief over his face.
Jesus told them, “Unwrap him and let him loose.

Have you ever looked a situation that seemed hopeless? Maybe it is a dream that you thought God had planted in your heart. Maybe a child, sibling, parent or friend who is lost in addiction or they are not walking with Christ. From all appearances, it seems that it is a dead situation. Maybe everyone around, including you have given up hope that it will ever happen. Maybe the person lost in addiction is so far gone that it really is hopeless, so all involved have put the hope into a cave on a hillside and thrown the slab of stone up over the opening. Maybe you are mourning the loss of hope or perhaps you have long sense forgotten about it all together.

What stood out to me in this story is several things: the pain of the sisters, the response of the people and the response of Jesus.
Earlier in the story, Mary and Martha had sent a message to Jesus, informing him of Lazarus’ illness, with the request that Jesus come quickly to heal Him. See, they knew that Jesus had the power to heal him, no question. They knew the person of Jesus in a real way. They had relationship with Him. In verse 5-6 it says that Jesus loved Mary, Lazarus and Martha, yet he stayed in the place He was for two more days. He did not rush out immediately when the need was made known. Actually, he went on with business as usual until He had completed the task He was doing.

When Jesus finally arrives in town, He is first greeted by Martha, shortly followed by Mary. Both women accuse Him in their grief saying, “if you had been here, our brother would not have died!”
Jesus’ response was an angry groan!
Mary, Martha and all the people there at the wake had given up hope on the dead brother. They were mourning the loss. Jesus walks onto the scene and commands them to remove the stone. Martha says the only reasonable thing. Uh, God, Lazarus has been dead for four days…he’s not smelling so good!”
Groaning again, Jesus says, “I told you that you would see the Glory of God, why do you mourn?”

Jesus, prays outloud so that everyone could hear then commands: Lazarus, Come forth!“ Jesus raises the guy from the dead!!
When Lazarus comes out he is still wrapped in grave clothes…bound hands and feet and face still covered with the burial cloth. He would have had to hop, or hobble out because he was so bound up in the trappings of death.

This is huge to me. There are people that I have been praying for, that appear to be lost causes. They seem to be gone too far with no chance of being restored. This story gives me hope. Jesus can bring to life the things that by all appearance seem to be dead.
For that person wrapped in the grave clothes of addiction, they will need someone to help them to unwrap the chords that bind them. They will need help removing the residue of addiction…the habits, the hurts and the hang-ups. But Jesus, can bring them back to life.

That dream that is planted deep within you may appear hopeless. It may seem like it can never happen, but I tell you this, if It is the will of the Father, He will bring it to life again. Remember he continued on with what He was doing for two more days before going to Mary, Martha and Lazarus’ aid. What you may be perceiving as a “no“, may only be a “not yet“ from the Father.

Don’t give up. Don’t bury the hope of seeing that dream come to fruition. Don’t put the stone over the grave of that person running from God into addiction. Look to the Father. Wait for the glory of God to be revealed in the graveyard of your hopes.

Like a child February 1, 2008

My daughter (8yrs old) came into the living room this week to ask me if we could cuddle. I said sure and put my laptop down to make room in my lap. As we sat there talking about her day at school she began to ask questions about God. Her main question seemed to be how did one get to know God better. I began to tell her the normal stuff, you know, read His word, pray to Him and listen to Him when He speaks back to you. She looked at me intently and said, well, i do pray and I do my devotionals…..but I have not heard Him speak back, HOW does that happen? I felt the Holy Spirit leading me as I picked up my bible next to me and began to read out of I Samuel 3:1-21. I love the story, so I am posting it:

The boy Samuel ministered before the LORD under Eli. In those days the word of the LORD was rare; there were not many visions.  One night Eli, whose eyes were becoming so weak that he could barely see, was lying down in his usual place.  The lamp of God had not yet gone out, and Samuel was lying down in the temple of the LORD, where the ark of God was.  Then the LORD called Samuel. Samuel answered, “Here I am.”  And he ran to Eli and said, “Here I am; you called me.”
But Eli said, “I did not call; go back and lie down.” So he went and lay down.  Again the LORD called, “Samuel!” And Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, “Here I am; you called me.” “My son,” Eli said, “I did not call; go back and lie down.” The LORD called Samuel a third time, and Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, “Here I am; you called me.” Then Eli realized that the LORD was calling the boy.  So Eli told Samuel, “Go and lie down, and if he calls you, say, ‘Speak, LORD, for your servant is listening.’ ” So Samuel went and lay down in his place.  The LORD came and stood there, calling as at the other times, “Samuel! Samuel!” Then Samuel said, “Speak, for your servant is listening.” Now Samuel did not yet know the LORD : The word of the LORD had not yet been revealed to him.

  And the LORD said to Samuel: “See, I am about to do something in Israel that will make the ears of everyone who hears of it tingle.  At that time I will carry out against Eli everything I spoke against his family—from beginning to end.  For I told him that I would judge his family forever because of the sin he knew about; his sons made themselves contemptible, and he failed to restrain them.  Therefore, I swore to the house of Eli, ‘The guilt of Eli’s house will never be atoned for by sacrifice or offering.’ “

  Samuel lay down until morning and then opened the doors of the house of the LORD. He was afraid to tell Eli the vision,  Samuel answered, “Here I am.”  “What was it he said to you?” Eli asked. “Do not hide it from me. May God deal with you, be it ever so severely, if you hide from me anything he told you.”  So Samuel told him everything, hiding nothing from him. Then Eli said, “He is the LORD; let him do what is good in his eyes.” And all Israel from Dan to Beersheba recognized that Samuel was attested as a prophet of the LORD.  The LORD continued to appear at Shiloh, and there he revealed himself to Samuel through his word. The LORD was with Samuel as he grew up, and he let none of his words fall to the ground.

I went on to explain to my daughter about how God can still speak to His people, if we will listen. It may not be an audible voice, but he speaks in many ways. I love that it says above in verse 3 that the lamp of the Lord had not yet gone out. The lamp of the Lord was supposed to burn all night. So that means that God spoke to Samuel in the night. It has been my experience that God does speak to me more often at night. My only reasoning, is that is the time when I am most still. Since I was about 13 or 14, God has given me prophetic dreams often revealing things to pray about for others or situations that need to be covered in prayer. I would always wake up right after the dream, with an intense concern for the situation. If you know me, you know that it would have to be God to get me out of bed in the middle of the night!

Anyway, I digress, the point is this, I have been really wondering If God was real to my daughter. I know it’s not my job to make God real, but I don’t want to make Him appear small to her either. I was beyond excited when this conversation ended because she got really excited too. She asked me to please pray for her to begin to hear the voice of God. That she would be open to dreams and visions from Him. Praise God!! I was able to lay hands on her and pray that her spiritual eyes and ears would be opened to God. I am just overwhelmed by God’s grace that He would woo my little girl into a relationship with Him. I don’t know what he has in store for her, but I pray that like Samuel, as she grows up, God will not let her words fall to the ground either!

How does God speak to you? Are you being still enough to listen to Him? There is nothing in the world more transforming to one’s soul than to hear the voice of God. Nothing more intimate than to have the secret’s of God’s heart revealed to you. He longs for this type of relationship with His people. He is not a stoic God who is detached from His children. He longs to be intimate. He longs to share what is on His heart with you! Seek Him and you WILL find Him!

Good ‘nuf! January 31, 2008

John 1:10-16 (emphasis added mine)
He was in the world, and the world was made through Him, and the world did not know Him.  He came to His own,  and His own   did not receive Him.  But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, to those who believe in His name:  who were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God.
And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.  John bore witness of Him and cried out, saying, “This was He of whom I said, ‘He who comes after me is preferred before me, for He was before me.’”  And of His fullness we have all received, and grace for grace  For the law was given through Moses, but grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.

When you think about God, what comes to mind? Maybe you think he loves people, but he is often disappointed in you. Maybe he is like a morality cop, waiting for you to screw up. Maybe you think that God is a delusion that people created as a crutch.  For me, I  used to get this picture of an old man in white, with a long flowing beard, sitting on a huge marble throne. He was surrounded by clouds, so much so that I could never get a clear picture in my mind of His face. In this picture, I was often, bowing (cowering) at His feet in a nervous way. Oh, I was in awe of Him too, but still had this nagging suspicion that I was not in His favors. I never felt that I could measure up to the standard that I felt He had set for me. I was always “messing up”

There are many things that can shape our perspective of the Father God. Maybe we had an abusive father, maybe he worked all the time or was altogether absent. Maybe you had a great dad, but other men in your life were poor examples of what God is like.  Maybe you were in  a church that was legalistic. It took me a long time to sift and separate the many perceptions I had of God. Some were true but many were distorted.  One of the sources of my  distorted perceptions was the fact that I was raised in a very legalistic church. I came to believe that God was that policeman in the sky, watching for me to mess up so he could strike me down. Maybe not by a literal bolt of lightning, but in some sort of punishment He would surely get me back.    If I was not living up to par, then He would not bless me, he would not use me and would give me the silent treatment so to speak.

I have often struggled with the fear that I would never measure up to what  a “good Christian” should look like.  I am just too blunt,  too sad, too happy, too angry, to relaxed,   too poor, too rich, I don’t read the bible enough, I don’t understand the bible enough, I don‘t pray enough…. etc….   See I was placing all these rules and expectations on myself in order to avoid punishment from God. I was in essence trying to take the place of Jesus in my own life. I was determined (not knowingly) to be my own savior.  There is a scripture that Paul says basically, that if you are trying to earn your salvation by works, you are telling Jesus that His work is not enough.  That is so hard to swallow if you tend to be a performance based, people pleaser, like I have been. That is one of those verses that we glance over quickly moving on to something like, “work out your salvation with fear and trembling” only to interpret that through the lens of earning our keep!

I have now come to believe that God does not view me through the same “glasses” that I view my self. He sees me through the blood of Jesus. The one pure spotless lamb.  vs. 16 in the NKJV says it this way:
And of HIS fullness we have all received and grace for grace.  That word fullness translates as full measure, copiousness (present in large quantity), that which has been completed. It describes a ship with full cargo and crew.  Guys, we are complete in Christ.  Not because we are good enough, (because God knew we could never be “good enough”) but because Christ took our place. He is there interceding on our behalf to God the Father.
He is our portion, our fullness and our covering. His grace is enough. Enough to cover every imperfection. All we have to do is accept it, freely. That is harder at times than working for it. Especially to prideful people such as myself. I am always fighting to remain humble, not self sufficient. He never called me to be self sufficient. He called me to be God-dependent. I am not saying that we never have to do anything…I am saying that nothing we DO can make us any better in the eyes of God.

So, don’t get wrapped up in being “Good enough” Just abide in Him. Commune with Him. You are fully loved, totally forgiven, whole and complete in Christ. You have value, HUGE value because Christ the pure spotless one, loved you enough to die a painful, shameful death so that we could be free! Free from shame, guilt and Fear! Praise God!

Going again… January 18, 2008

Yes, I am going away again. I am leaving for the weekend to go stay at a family cabin on a very small island not too far from where I live. It’s like another world over there… few phones, no stores, no internet, no cable and no cell phone reception! I am so excited that I can barely contain myself! I go every year at least once and this year I am taking my friends Charity and Kim. Girl time out in the wild!

I hope to be back in writing mode when I return. I have been filled with too much in my head lately that I have been unable to articulate any of it. SO, a “clearing of the mind” weekend is in order. On the bright side, some of what has been filling my mind, is that I have been trying to finish up my first part of my lay counseling diploma through the American Association of Christian Counselors. I finished it this week and am waiting on my test score and first certification!! Yeah!

Be back soon!!
H

marriage. January 11, 2008

Today is mine and Jon’s ten year anniversary. It’s so hard to believe that I am even old enough to be married, much less for ten years!  Well, it has been an interesting ten years to say the least. Despite having a few bumpy patches, we are happier and healthier now than we were when we were dating.

We began dating about a month after my 17th birthday and had been friends for a couple of years prior to that. We have been ministering together in one way or another since I was 15.I find it hard to believe at times that two unbelievably codependent kids could grow up so much together, and remain in a marraige. I mean we are totally different people that when we met. It is Amazing that God has blessed us so much. I would not change one thing about our life together. It truly is fulfilling and wonderful.  Anyway, thought I would let you in on the fact that I am an old married broad now!

sleeping January 8, 2008

Have you ever had a limb fall asleep? Maybe you fell asleep lying on your arm or maybe you sat on your foot for too long. You really don’t notice it…until you try to use it. Then it can seem as if small needles are pricking you from the inside as blood rushes to bring its life back into the slumbering entity. That to me is the most painful part of this whole sleeping limb thing.

There is a part of my spirit that fell asleep long ago. I remember when it happened. I remember choosing to cut the flow of life to that part of me because it was too overwhelming at times. So I chose to pretend it did not exist. I pretended that it was no longer relevant. I chose to ignore who I was created to be!

Recently, my loving Jesus began to bring to mind this sleeping limb. He is calling me to begin using this sleeping part of me. This part that I have buried beneath layers of fear of man and the unknown for so long that it lays dormant within me. The more I try to move, the more painful it becomes as life rushes back into my soul.

This sleeping part of me is one of the spiritual gifts that He imparted to me long ago. I am so broken hearted that I hid from it for so long, but I am so grateful that He loved me enough to wait until I can handle it. I don’t want to have to tell Him one day, that I buried it, No, I want to be a good steward of what He has given me. I want to use it to His glory!

Oh, for more thoughts on stewardship go check out Tam. She just wrote something about the same topic!

Holiness and Compromise October 4, 2007

Here is my promised blog. I have been working the details in my head and in my life. This is the hard copy of the talk I gave to our youth group tonight.

Hope it encourages and challenges you as much as it did me when I was studying for it!

Holiness that hurts the eyes. Holiness in the inward parts, is the fragrance of Christ on our very being. The life of Christ being exhibited in our everyday lives. In this day and age, it is often considered an outdated way of life, not politically correct or maybe intolerant but this is the way we who call ourselves Christians are called to live. We are called to be above reproach. Yes, we are under grace, but that is not an excuse to sin. The grace is there to cover the mistakes that we will make because we are not Jesus. We are mere humans but we are filled with the Holy Spirit of God who lives through us, giving us the ability to live up the challenge!

The first thing that I think we need to look at is pride and humility so that we can get a grasp on an accurate view of both! True humility is seeing yourself as God sees you. Pride obviously is the opposite. It is seeing yourself as either better OR WORSE that God sees you. Low self-esteem, is just pride in drag. Basically it is like saying that you know better than God what worth you really have. You absolutely cannot be a good leader if you are prideful. Pride will lead to ruin every time.

You may be extremely gifted but if you do not have character to match, it’s not of much use to the kingdom of God. Character is who you are when no one else sees. It is your thoughts, motives, attitudes, desires, habits and behaviors. It’s really easy to say all the right things in front of “church friends” but have a heart that is far from God. It’s called hypocrisy.

I want to clarify something. We are not SAVED by works. We are saved by GRACE! However, the bible says that a Christian is known by their love and their fruit! It also says that there will be many people who come before him and say Lord, Lord, I have done many great works in your name, and God will look at them and say depart from me, I never knew you! So it is about being in relationship with Him. Being immersed in Him. Are we so immersed in Christ that it changes the way we live and think?? Someone has to draw a line in the sand and say, even if culture tells me this is how I should live, I must live according to god. So, being saved by grace, does you life look like you are saved by grace??? Do you have godly fruit?

I peter 1:14-18 (the message)
14 So you must live as God’s obedient children. Don’t slip back into your old ways of living to satisfy your own desires. You didn’t know any better then. 15 But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God who chose you is holy. 16 For the Scriptures say, “You must be holy because I am holy.”
17 And remember that the heavenly Father to whom you pray has no favorites. He will judge or reward you according to what you do. So you must live in reverent fear of him during your time as “foreigners in the land.” 18 For you know that God paid a ransom to save you from the empty life you inherited from your ancestors. And the ransom he paid was not mere gold or silver.

God is Holy. In Isaiah 6, when Isaiah saw the glory of God, he fell to the ground and cried out, Woe is me, I am unclean man with unclean lips, I live among unclean people. He was immediately aware of His own sinfulness in the presence of God. Exodus 33:18 Moses asks God to show him His glory. God tells him to hide his face because no man could live if they saw his glory. In the old testament only the high priest entered the Holy place and then only once a year on the day of atonement. Before he entered, a rope was tied around his leg and bells were sown into his clothing. So that if he suddenly died the bells would stop ringing and they other priests could pull him out without violating the law. NO ONE dared approach the Holy Living presence of God with out perfectly fulfilling the law. They would not even write his name. It was too holy. Then when Jesus came in the New testament and fulfilled the law. He became the sacrifice. So the apostles who KNEW the holiness of God‘s law and also knew the grace of the lamb of God.
Now because He already fulfilled the law we can come BOLDLY before him in the holy of holies!!

Let’s look at Pharisees for a minute. Most of the time we think of them as the bad guys, right? Actually they were the conservative, intellectual church leaders who defended the faith as they knew it. All they knew was the law and they had that down pat. The thing that Jesus despised was the pride and the hypocrisy of the Pharisees. We must truly understand that UNTIL WE ARE AWARE OF HOW DEPRAVED AND SINFUL WE REALLY ARE AT OUR CORE WE WILL BE NOTHING BUT A CHRISTIAN PHARISEE. HYPOCRITICAL AND SELF-RIGHTEOUS. Purity begins with our determined refusal to hide from the condition of our heart. From this awareness, will come humility and true holiness. A hypocrite is someone who sees their own private sin and makes excuses for it instead being honest with themselves, God and another safe Christian brother or sister and then allowing God to remove it. Our first step in this process of sanctification is seeing and admitting that we are not as holy as we like to think.

To see accurately how we measure up as a Christian, we must put our life up to the life of Jesus. Do we look like him? Do we live a fully unselfish, Never sinning, always intimately connected to God life?? Do I walk in utter humility? Do I live in complete honesty with myself and others at all times? Do I walk in total forgiveness or do I harbor anger or offense against someone?

We are called to holiness. Holiness means totally devoted or dedicated to God, set aside for his special use and set apart from sin and its influence. The bible teaches that our actions flow from what we have going on in our hearts. Outward sin always begins in our heart. That is why as Christians, we must begin to make a habit of searching our heart. (Read: II Cor. 14:5, Psalms 4:4, Psalms 139:23) Ask God to shine the light of His truth on any darkness in our hearts such as wrong motives, pride, anger, un-forgiveness, jealousy, greed, disobedience, or rebellion gossip, criticism. Remember that ears that listen to gossip and criticism are just as guilty as the one who spoke it. You ears are holy, don’t let them come into agreement with the accuser of the brethren, the father of lies! What are you listening to on tv, radio, conversations? Your eyes are Holy too, what are you putting before them? The bible says that our eyes are the lamp to the rest of the body. What are you looking at when you are on your computer late at night? This is not about condemnation, it is about holiness. We are called to be holy. A holy God lives within us, are we aware of that? The bible says that we will reap what we sow, the things we look at the things we listen to, the things we say will plant seeds in our hearts and out of that we will reap. Are you sowing to the flesh, or the spirit? You are doing one or the other at all times! There is no in between! If you are not feeding on Jesus then you are feeding your flesh! What is our flesh? Your flesh is EVERYTHING you think and feel that is not a result of the will of God and His word in you. Holiness is not what you DO it is a product of What you are BEHOLDING. Holiness is abstaining from Idolatry which is putting anything above Christ.. Even if it is a ministry, or a style of worship or what you feel that God has called you to do.

God calls us to be holy because He is holy. Out of respect, out of gratefulness because he saved us. In the old testament he told his people to be holy, to come out from among them and be separate, because he is the lord their God who brought them out of Egypt. Egypt was a place of bondage due to the disobedience of the Israelites. They refused to destroy their idols and God in his love for them allowed them to go into slavery so they could recognize their need for a deliverer! Today, Egypt can be a picture of whatever holds us In bondage. Sin, lust, greed, pride, busyness, partying, drinking, music, hobbies, tv, our cell-phones, our friends, video games, computers, anything that takes precedence over our relationship with God. What dominates our time, what we feel we cannot live without. Maybe it is friendships, or what people think about us that we worry about.

We must remember that it is not about performing good deeds to earn the favor and grace of God! The good works will naturally come from your life when you are in constant relationship with Christ because you will be exhibiting the life of Christ in you!

THORNS AND STUFF. September 19, 2007

Confessional time. I was sort of thinking about my weaknesses. Not just thinking about them but hating them, feeling guilty about them and talking to Jesus about them. Then the thought came, it is my weaknesses that keep me on my face before the lord. It is in my weakness, that He is made strong. So, I began to thank him for the thorns in my flesh, those things that I try and try to “fix” with no luck! Those things that I feel like I am constantly asking him to forgive me and change me.

Don’t get me wrong, He and I will still be working on my weaknesses for the rest of my life, but if I had no weakness in me, I would never come to him. I would have no need for Him. So, I am grateful to Him that He keeps me aware of my need for Him.

How about you guys out there in Blog land…what are your thoughts on this?

David… a king. August 26, 2007

I absolutely love the old testament, it is rich with depth and meaning. I used to hate reading the OT because I thought it was irrelevant and  made God seem scary.  Anyway, I am chasing the wrong thought process so I will get back to my point. I am reading about the life of David.  Every time I really start looking at his life, I am humbled and so grateful that I serve a God like ours. To realize that I know and love the same God that David loved and served is amazing. I love what the word calls him: a man after God’s own heart.  Did you know that David means beloved?? I did not know that. Such amazing foreshadowing in the life of David. Oh, how I want to be known as a woman after God’s heart. Unafraid to delve into uncharted territories spiritually with Him. To KNOW the God that I serve, so well, that I am completely unafraid to be entirely honest with Him. I mean, He knows what’s in my heart better that I do anyway, why try to hide?   To KNOW that I am His BELOVED! Not just in my head, but in a way that completely changes the way I view everything! A life transforming knowledge of the person of God and who I am to Him.

The thing that stands out to me today is the fact that David was a bit of a screw up. I mean, he did not come from an affluent family with money, He was a shepherd. He obviously had a problem with lust. He was an angry joker not to mention a murderer and adulterer.  So, what made Him a man after God’s own heart?  Well, we cannot ignore what I Samuel 16:7b says:

    “ I don’t make decisions the way that you do! Men judge by outward appearance, but I look at a man’s thoughts and intentions.”

 

It seems that Psalms in it’s entirety shows a lot of what David’s thoughts were like. He was transparent before  God. What he felt, what he thought, he shared that with His God. When he was angry he said it. When he was full of self-pity and wanted all his enemies to die, he said it. When he was depressed and just wanted to die himself, he shared that too!

This is something that was very hard for me to learn to do. I grew up thinking that I was not a good Christian if I had “negative” emotions. If I was depressed or angry then I must have done something to cause a separation between God and myself. Yes, I know sin can cause a separation, but a feeling is not a sin.  It is how I choose to respond to that feeling that has the potential to become a sin.

I really want to cultivate the kind of heart that David had when he made a mistake. He was quick to repent. He did not wallow in self deprecation in order to satiate a God who wanted compensation for sinful behavior. He just repented and moved on with His relationship with his God. How many times do we mess up and then feel some need to make up for it? (as if we ever could!) For me, I tend to have this unconscious “waiting” period before I am allowed back in the good graces of God. Like He may be too irritated to look at me so I better just lay low for a while because He certainly cannot use me or bless me right now! Sounds like a child doesn’t it?

I love that David was full of mistakes and yet was confident that God was more full of Grace to cover those mistakes, plentiful as they were!  He knew that God was there just waiting for him to turn around.  He knew that a broken and a contrite spirit God will not despise!
Oh, Jesus, I want to be that confident. At times I feel that I am but remind me of your infinite grace and mercy! Teach me to see you for who you are! Help me to know that you are there even when I make mistakes. You love me the same! That is amazing to me!

Grace and Holiness August 15, 2007

For many years I have struggled to reconcile the ideas of Grace and holiness. I am by nature a black and white personality. I see everything through this lens including the issue of grace and holiness. For many years I had no concept whatsoever of what grace looks like and how to accept it. I lived as if it was up me and my ability to earn the favor and grace of God. Like I owed it to him to be the best I could be. I also believed that I was to look like the perfect Christian in order to somehow protect God’s reputation. I am to be a “light in the dark” after all, right? So how do we reconcile these seemingly opposing ideas?

 

Well, for me it began with who I believed God to be. See, I was very much unaware of the fact that I believed he was an angry , punishing God who was waiting for me to prove my unworthiness as one of his followers. I believed unknowingly that I was responsible for not only my own salvation but the salvation of those who were around me. I lived in constant fear of losing my salvation due to my own inability to live a perfect, sinless life. Now, I am sure that reading that statement you are thinking, well duh! Only Jesus was able to do that right?? Well, I bet that if you really thought about it, there are areas in your own life that you are trying to live up to an unreasonable standard that you have placed on yourself… am I right? I bet you are you own worse critic. Well, I know of a lot of people who live as if they are expected to be perfect. What I am coming to realize though is that Yes, God is holy and we are called to be holy as he is, however, He calls us to be holy because he is our loving groom who wants nothing to hinder us from loving Him with out shame and guilt. See, if we can wrap our minds around the fact that He is holy and that because of this, no unholy thing can survive His presence… and He longs for us to be in His presence, because we are in love with him, not because we want to earn his love. We already have all of His love. He knew us all while we were or are at our worst and still sent His son to die in our place so that we could be with Him. Before we ever did a single “good” thing, He already loved us. That is so powerful. Can you wrap your mind around this concept? The Bible says that His burden is easy , his yoke is light. In comparison, the Pharisees imposed a man made burden of legalism or works based thinking. To quote from one of my favorite books, “Purifying the prophetic” by R. Loren Sanford.:

 

“It is time to lay it all down. The Striving. The human effort. The legalism. Freely we have received. Now let us freely give. Let us recover the Gospel, received by grace in the wonderful river of the Father’s love and then selflessly shared. It is all there in the cross and the blood! We need only to plumb the depths of it.”

 

Now about holiness. We are called to be holy if we are Christians. We are to be set apart. However what many people fail to realize is the fact that it is a process. It is called sanctification which is essentially being made into the image of Christ. We are not saved and then immediately we are sin-free. If fact, the closer I am to Jesus, the more keenly I am aware of my own lack of holiness. He is a Holy God. When I am looking at myself in the light of who He is, I will fall short…very short! However, gold is still gold even if mixed up with other alloys. I am still loved and still accepted by Him, because of Jesus. He is my righteousness. This goes back to gazing on who He is. We must know who he really is and who we are in Him. We must meditate on this truth, to become like Him. I have spent a lot of time and hard work, trying to learn the truth of who He is. He is not like my father, or my mother. He is not like any person that I know. He is perfect. He loves me despite my inadequacies. He is making me more like Him every day.

 

Because I tend to be an either or person, I have to constantly remind myself that it is not by my own strength that I can live a holy life. My responsibility is to “remain in Him” , to gaze upon His holiness so that He can transform me. I will never be perfect on this side of Heaven, but I can and should be constantly changing to be more like him. By gazing at Him, I will become more holy. My heart will change. It will become more like His heart. Then my “actions” will come out of the overflow of my love for Him instead of a feeling of fear of punishment or some striving to earn his love.

 

There is a song which I love by Misty Edwards called “Come break the Chains” that says this:

 

“Come break the Chains, that hinder love, all that remains of yesteryear, come break the chains that pull me down, Come break the chains and draw me near. Let your fire burn, consuming me, come let your jealous flame come take away everything, let your fire burn, consuming me, let your jealous flame come and write your name on my heart till all that remains is the light of your countenance and I will be satisfied when I awaken as a lover of You.”

 

This is my prayer, and I hope that you will make it your own in your journey to find balance in this area!