Why do birds sing? April 28, 2009

Last week, while letting my dog, Lexie, out once more for the night,  I heard a bird singing loudly. It was the only sound other than the sound of the wind blowing lightly through the trees and it was disconcerting. Disconcerting not only because it was late at night, not only because it was the only bird I could hear but because it was an eerie, desperate cry of sorts. I don’t know, maybe I was just being too imaginative for my own good, but it just seemed out of place in general to hear a song bird singing in the darkness rather than the light of day. The sound and the feelings surrounding it have stuck with me in the back of my mind for the week since.

Today in my quiet time I began thinking about it again. So, like every other distracting thought that comes into my head, I jotted it down on the notebook beside me to research later. The question “why would a bird sing at night?”, was repeating in my head over and over. To me, birds are creatures of praise. That is what I think of when I hear them. They just exist and worship, that’s it. Okay, back to my thoughts… birds usually are silent at night…sleeping or whatnot. So I googled the topic and began to read these threads about it. Here are the most common streams of thought.

1. A hungry cat has recently moved into the neighborhood causing the raucous

2. There is too much light in the area

3. Too much noise during the day so they sing at night. (mating calls, communicative singing)

So, here is what I felt drop in my spirit. We as believers are quick to sing our praises during the day, when we can see the light but when the darkness comes, we are often silenced out of fear of the hungry cat (roaring lion, enemy of our souls) or we are so busy during the day that the voice of God is drowned out by the noisiness around us. I know that I tend to withdraw my praises, not intentionally, but it just seems that when life gets really hard and I feel alone, I get quiet in my worship and prayers. It just dwindles until I am left cold, empty and fearful. I want to be like that bird. I want my song to be heard by God and the enemy even in the darkest moments of my life. I want to lift my voice loudly in prayer and praise when I hear the enemy coming. Lord, give me a song in the night, a word of praise during fear. Give me ears to hear in the midst of the storms around me. Help me to stay focused on you!! You are my deliverer, my refuge and my salvation!

Revive Us! April 24, 2009

2 Kings 4:1-7 A certain woman of the wives of the sons of the prophets cried out to Elisha, saying, “Your servant my husband is dead, and you know that your servant feared the LORD. And the creditor is coming to take my two sons to be his slaves.” So Elisha said to her, “What shall I do for you? Tell me, what do you have in the house?” And she said, “Your maidservant has nothing in the house but a jar of oil.” Then he said, “Go, borrow vessels from everywhere, from all your neighbors—empty vessels; do not gather just a few. And when you have come in, you shall shut the door behind you and your sons; then pour it into all those vessels, and set aside the full ones.” So she went from him and shut the door behind her and her sons, who brought the vessels to her; and she poured it out. Now it came to pass, when the vessels were full, that she said to her son, “Bring me another vessel.” And he said to her, “There is not another vessel.” So the oil ceased. Then she came and told the man of God. And he said, “Go, sell the oil and pay your debt; and you and your sons live on the rest.”

How do you raise a generation who fears God and seeks holiness? How do you teach that humility precedes holiness to a people of such independence and pride? How do you seek to have broken vessels filled with the spirit of God. The task is daunting and at times seems unattainable. I know this, it cannot be done by the ideas of man. It will not happen because we have some cool new way of presenting God. It will not happen by implementing some new program. When the widow went to Elisha, she had nothing to stop the creditors from taking her sons into slavery but some olive oil. I can tell you this, if someone told me that the mortgage company was coming to take my little one, olive oil would not be a comforting thought. I would probably panic, had a prophet given me those instructions! However, as a youth worker, I see the enemy taking our kids onto slavery on a weekly basis. As ministers, parents, leaders, we having nothing in and of ourselves that could snatch them back from becoming slaves to the enemy of our souls. However, we do have the oil of the Spirit of God. I am praying and asking The holy spirit to be released in a powerful way among the teens that I work with. I am asking for deliverance from bondage, freedom from fears and a group of teens who can say that they have seen God. I am not interested in a youth group full of kids who can play church, talking the talk and faking holiness, I want to see the fire of God resonating from them as they seek His face. Messy? Yes, but nothing worth having comes easily or without cost! What about you, have you come to the place where you have exhausted your man made efforts to see change in a situation? It’s time to seek the face of God…not just his hand and what He can do for us, but His face! That is my heart right now! I pray that you too will begin to come to the end of human resources so that all you can do it seek Him.

Love and the fear of drowning September 10, 2008

Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world.
I john 4:17

There are many times in my life that I find it hard to believe that God takes pleasure in me. He takes pleasure from those who desire Him in the depths of their heart. Those He calls His own, he delights in us. He is in love with us…. A broken and weak people. We are His betrothed. He is lovesick for us.
I was listening to a teaching this week while traveling, that made this statement:

“God is so in love with his church that if we just lean in His direction, He will run ten steps closer.”

That is a beautiful thought to me. I struggle so much with this mindset of making myself worthy of His love, that at times I forget that it is less about what I do and more about my heart. I cannot bring more value to myself than He bestowed upon me when He send His Son to die for me. That is the value of my life, the life of the Son of God. That is your value too. Why is it so difficult to believe that sometimes?

We have all heard the verse that says ‘perfect Love cast out all fear’ which by the way is the directly following the one at the top of this page, but to understand the depth of that statement, I think that verse 17 is important. Love has been perfected among us….because as HE is, so are WE IN THIS WORLD. This is not talking about our character being perfect, but our position to God through Christ. It is saying that in the eyes of God, the judge of the world, we are in the same position as Jesus. Do you grasp that?? I mean it is blowing my mind the more I chew on this. I have talked to many believers over the years who live in fear of God’s judgment, disapproval and punishment so much that they are paralyzed. When you cannot see the truth of this verse, and the work that God already did to bring us into relationship with Him, you live in fear and bondage. God is so much in love with us, a broken, needy people, that He did the work to make it possible to be with Him. He already accomplished it. There is nothing left for us to do, but lean into Him.

Have you ever seen a movie or television show, an individual who cannot swim, thrown into a pool or river that they think is deep water? They struggle, panic, flail about only to realize that they are in only a few feet of water? All they had to do was stand up? Sometimes I feel like as Christians we do the same thing. We get into this life called Christianity all bound with fears of failing and judgment and instead of standing up in the position that Christ has given us, we flail around, striving and working to earn that position. We do not have to cower in shame nor do we have to grovel for mercy, He has already given the greatest gift of mercy available! We can stop striving and trying to keep our head above water so to speak, we are not going to drown. We cannot be ripped from the hand of the God who holds us. Our beautiful, all powerful, sovereign and lovesick bride groom sees us with eyes burning with the flame of love. Stand up and take your position in Him. Accept that there is no fear in Love. We have to believe that the debt has been paid IN FULL. We own nothing and are free to reciprocate the love He has given us. Hallelujah!!

It’s like wearing glasses August 29, 2008

Intercession is different than prayer.  When I pray, a lot of times, it is things that I think about, worry about, care about and just talking to Jesus.  For me, intercession takes place when Jesus communicates His heart for a  situation and causes me to identify with Him. Intercession is praying the heart of God,  it is praying in agreement with Him. I am an intercessor. That is something that God has called me to be. However there are times when the nature, problems, sins and losses of those I am called to intercede on behalf of can cause me to be discouraged. As a result of this, I have two choices, I can hide deeper in Jesus, or I can put on blinders and  hide away from it.  When I find myself depending on my own nature and strength to “pray” I quickly burnout!!  When I get so involved in people’s pain that I lose sight of God’s heart for that situation, I will burnout too.

See, it’s like wearing glasses. I was laying on my bed this afternoon, praying and I took off my glasses because my eyes just got tired of focusing on things. Sounds silly, I know, but I just wanted to gaze at the blur of my ceiling instead of the patterns formed by the double knock down ceiling. I was sort of thinking all this while praying and I felt God stop me. He helped me to see that there are times that I get tired of  focusing my spiritual eyes on the effects of this fallen world so I take off my “spiritual glasses” in order to get a break. I stop seeking the heart of the father, because the closer I am to His heart, the more I will begin to feel my heart breaking with His. So if I back away, I don’t have to “see it”. I can rest.  I become near sighted again.

There is an effect on my own life as well when I am pulling away from Jesus, I can become self centered, impatient, sullen, and withdrawn in my disillusionment. Sounds a lot like II Peter 1:5-10 to me. It says:

“5For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. 8For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins.
10Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall…”

How do you come to possess these things? By being intimate with Christ. It is a fact that those we are in closest relationship with, we begin to imitate…it’s just human nature. This applies to our relationship with Jesus too.
II Corinthians 3:17-18 says: “17 Now the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. 18 But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.”

I love the imagery of beholding as in a mirror, the glory of the Lord.  That just sounds so intimate to me. To have an unveiled face, to be laid bare before Him,  and to reflect back the image of Christ! That is so beautiful to me. I don’t want to be nearsighted when I gaze upon Him. I want to see clearly who He is, so that I can reflect accurately His heart for His people. I want to be laid bare before the lover of my soul!

So often I put myself in bondage to performance again, when I lose sight of the relationship and try to do the job myself. My prayers become fleshly…based on my own thoughts, feelings and beliefs… which are so discouraging!  Intercession works only when it is born of a right relationship with Christ…it cannot be duplicated!

How about you, do you find your self trying to do your “calling” out of your own strength? Does it lead you to burn out?

For your information July 25, 2008

Since, It’s been about a year since I began blogging and I have a lot more readers now… (though not many commenters..hint hint ) I thought I would post my life story in cliff note version. So you can know a little about me!

I was born in 1978 to my parents, the first-born child of two. My brother was born 2 ½ years later. My parents were both Christians and were involved in church. My father worked shift work at a mill about 45 minutes away.  My mom worked too, but only when we were asleep or at school. She was around a lot. She was sort of the June Cleaver type, cooking, cleaning and generally involved in our lives.
Most of the memories of my family are of being super involved in church. Our lives were always wrapped around it. They are mostly good memories now.   At one time most of them brought the sting of rejection.  I never felt that I could measure up to what I was supposed to be. Some unattainable and lofty Godliness that I now know is impossible to achieve.  I knew what a mature Christian looked like and I could talk the talk really well. I thought I was one.  I was running frantically trying to look like I had it figured out. At school, I performed too. I was a good student and  a cheerleader.  I made sure everyone knew I was a Christian. I was so judgmental and  hypocritical. Don’t get me wrong, I loved Jesus to the best of my ability (or so I thought)  and I did genuinely want others to know Him.  I just did it out of fear and  did not know what it was like to have  love relationship with the One who created me.  I now know that I did not have the steps in the middle filled in.  What do I mean? Well I did not have a relationship with Christ. I just had empty rituals and jargon. I had the appearance of Godliness but not the power of God. I had a distant, performance-based relationship with Him. I felt that He was constantly disappointed in me. I could never do enough to make Him proud of me…. It took some time to realize this was not the first time I had felt like this.  I had felt like this all my life growing up. I never felt that I could please my parents. I felt that nothing was ever good enough. I had to be the best at everything I did or I was a failure.  I put up a good facade of being a happy, well-adjusted, Christian girl but on the inside, I was miserable. I hated my life and wished I were dead.
I was 11 the first time I thought about suicide.  The thought came to my mind dozens of times a day. Every time I felt angry, hurt or like a failure, I would think about ending my life. I was too afraid of actually killing my self so I began to cut.  I would run razors over my skin until I felt some sort of relief from the emotional pain. Anything to relieve the pressure in my life. I wrote out so many suicide notes that I lost count.  I never told anyone this until later on in life. It was my secret shame, one more area I could not live up to the standard. Who was I to feel this way? I had a good family, I was not the neglected child of divorced parents!!  How could I help others if I could not help myself? I had nothing to give. I was empty and broken.  I tried to bring worth to myself by  performing and looking like I had it all together,  all in the hope that my pain would be healed.  I began thinking that if I got married.  I thought that a husband who loved me unconditionally would heal my pain. I began dating Jon in 1995, The summer before Senior year.  We dated exclusively until we got married in 1998. Within six months of marriage, I began to have suicidal ideas again. I was devastated. I really thought that marriage was going to bring me relief. I came to realize that there was no human who could fill the emptiness in my soul. I had to face the fact that it was not my circumstances that were causing my so much pain. The pain was in me. The problem was me. I joined a seekers group through Living Well Ministries in September 1998.  That small group of women  helped lead me out of the darkness I was living in. I know that God ordained this step in my life and  I am so grateful to my Father in Heaven that He spared my life. Not only did He spare it, He has redeemed it and brought meaning and joy into it. He sent me on a journey to discover why I felt the way I did and taught me how to Love myself and others from the abundance of my heart instead of the emptiness. I now know that Love is a choice. I don’t have to look for love to fill my brokenness, I now love because I know what love is…it has a name and that name is Jesus Christ!
I love my life now. I am even at peace with my past. I am very glad that I lived through the pain I did  because through it I saw the kind of God I serve. Suicide is no longer a thought for me. I am happily married and I love who God created me to be. He has transformed me. I now gladly serve Him because He brought me out of darkness into the light of His love.  I love Him more than anything in this world! I now see a constant thread throughout my life that was Him. He wove together the ugly, dark of my past with the light and beauty of  His love and made a beautiful tapestry!

Knowing Denzel July 20, 2008

i have been thinking about what it takes for us to know God. I grew up in a Christian home and my family was very involved in the church we attended. My dad was one of those few dads who spent a lot of time, teaching us about the word of God. He would read bible stories to us and ask us tons of questions meant to help us to understand the word. I was raised to live certain biblical principles such as tithing and guarding my heart at a very early age. Later as a teenager, I was extremely involved in my youth group, ministry teams, and worship team. Where I learned about the responsibilities of being in a leadership position. I knew a lot about maintaining a life that was above reproach, I could pray a “powerful” sounding prayer, I could preach a sermon, I could give my testimony in front of a crowd in churches or in a town square of a third world country. I had cast out demons in His name. (does this remind anyone of the verse that says “lord Lord, I cast out demons in your name!??) I knew a lot about God. I did not know God though. I mean I thought I did… I had prayed the sinners prayer. I do know that I was a Christian, but I knew nothing of the joy of a relationship with this Saviour I lived for. It was not until later in my life, when I grew tired of the performing that I had grown accustomed to, that I hit bottom and realized that while I knew much about God, and his word, i did not have a heart to heart relationship with Jesus. I focused more on looking the part, preaching about Him and making sure that my life was an example of what it looks like to be a follower of Christ than actually loving Him and allowing Him to love on me. Knowing about someone is very different than knowing them. I can read and study all about Denzel Washington, but if I don’t have a real relationship with him it would be stupid to call my self his best friend.

The bottom that I hit was on many levels, but the level that most changed my perspective on God’s personal love was when I had grown so tired and disillusioned with my faith that I no longer had it in me to perform. Like so many before me, I in mock defiance quit all of my strivings. I stopped all ministry, I stopped doing my ritualistic quiet times, I stopped going to church and stopped listening to any Christian music. All of these things had become like superstitions to me, like somehow by doing all these things, God owed it to me to bless me. It was never about relationship. I never did those things out of love but out of desperate fear of what God would think of me if I did not do them.

I never stopped praying. Although, they were not prayers for anyone but me. Selfish? Maybe, but I had come to realize that if God did not break through my preconceived ideas of Him, I did not want to live. I was tired of feeling like God was perpetually angry, disappointed and sick of me and my screw ups. I knew that none of these things were scriptural, but my feelings were very powerful force in my life at the time. If we are honest, a lot of us live our lives with our feelings in the driver’s seat instead of the truth! My prayers were constantly begging God to change me. Change my heart, my feelings, my beliefs, my fears, my weaknesses, but most of all, my view of Him.
I am grateful to Jesus, that He has answered my prayers and continues to clarify my thoughts of Him. I can honestly say that God has redeemed my life, my fears and my misconceptions of Him.

I pray that you, whoever you are, whatever your struggles, would begin to ask God to remove the things that distort your view of God. For me, it was a lot of things, but one of those things was my own “information” about Him. I knew too much about Him without a relationship with Him which prevented me from see Him clearly. All of the things I knew about Him allowed me to keep Him in a box that I could control. I no longer serve a God that I have all figured out! Praise God.

The Shack July 12, 2008

Have you read it? I read it this past week and it totally rocked me. I have been rethinking some of my beliefs about the relational aspect of God. I can’t explain it, but I cried all the way through the book, not because it was scary or sad, although to some it will be, but because I was seeing the heart of God in a totally different light. I saw Jesus in a new light too.

Now, I will admit, there is a part that I will not ruin if you have not read it, but I almost put the book away when I got to it. I actually did put the book down and asked my husband if he was crazy for recommending the book to me!  After some persuasion, I picked it back up and now understand the authors intent!

So, if you have read it, what did you think? If you have not read it, go read it!!

Restoration June 7, 2008

People, even more than things have to be restored, renewed, revived and redeemed; never throw out anyone.

-Audrey Hepburn

I read this quote today on a friends blog. For some reason, it immediately took me to a memory of me sitting on the floor in my bathroom with a razor in hand, just praying for the courage to end my life. This occurred often in my life from the age of 11 until I was about 20. I just hated everything about life and about myself. I felt like everything in me was somehow a mistake and that everything I did was wrong. I felt broken, tired and defeated. I had given up on myself and truth be told, I felt that God had given up on me as well.

I am so grateful that He had not given up on me. Through a process of recovery, He began to heal the wounds of my soul and lift the chains of depression and self hatred off of me. He began to fill me with joy and a love for Him. As I fell in love with Jesus, and began to see Him for who He really is, I began to see myself for who I am too. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am deeply loved, fully pleasing, totally forgiven, accepted and complete in Christ. There is nothing I can do or say to make Him love me more or less. His love and acceptance of me is unchanging.

I am absolutely in awe of the way that God refused to let me throw my life away. He has truly restored, renewed, revived and redeemed me.

Yeah, Audrey Hepburn said more about the character of God than anything else. I pray that I will live up to that in other’s lives too!

My natural self May 17, 2008

Naturally, I am so selfish. I tend to hoard money. I don’t like to share drinks or food.  It’s not even just with other people… the money thing goes so far that I hate… I mean HATE to spend money, even on myself.  So with that in your mind, imagine my response when God began to talk to me about being a giver. Yeah, that’s not so much on the list of things that I use to describe myself. I know all the verses in the bible about giving… but I always sort of skipped over those verses because I never felt “LED” to give. 

So,  about two years ago, my eight year old was asleep in her room when her dad went to check on her she rolled over and slapped the wall, open palm and said Genesis 22. Not once but twice…in her sleep. So Jon came into the living room laughing to tell me about it and as he did, his face began to get serious. He goes, how funny would this be if there was some relevance  to that verse?? So he gets his bible and begins to read Genesis 22…it is the story of Abraham when God tells him to go sacrifice His son. This story is symbolic of being willing to lay down the thing that means the most to you for the sake of obeying God. So that was our huge confirmation that God wanted us to be willing to give anything if He asked. So we decided then and there that we would begin to give money, furniture, cars, clothes…whatever He asked. And He has asked…many times.
I will tell you honestly, It was one of the hardest things to do, for me.  I mean I hoard things…. i sell things for profit if I think I can make a buck…. I do not give stuff away for any reason at all…. in my own nature.

Here is the coolest part. The more we have given, the easier it has become to give. I am finding that we have such a loose grip on the things that come into our possession. Not only that, God has been dropping stuff in our lap…like free cars, free money, free meals…. I am so overwhelmed by the generosity of God. He asked us to give and He gives back so much more that I could ever ask!! I am becoming acutely aware that I am merely a steward of the things that belong to God. I am learning that I truly CANNOT out-give God. He will always win that competition… and it is becoming just that a competition… I will give as long as I have something to give.

My child is cool May 2, 2008

Yes, I have a cool child. She has no idea that she is so cool either. Today on the way to school, she and her dad talked about standing up for what you believe in regardless of other’s response to you. She asks tons of questions all the time about God, Jesus and faith among others. Its cool to watch her as she wraps her brain around the ins and outs of Christianity. She is only eight but she is very smart. Anyway, when she got off the bus this afternoon, she was so excited to tell about what God had done for her that morning. Here is the story.

In her creative writing class, they were given a “free write” day. That means she can write an essay about whatever she chooses. My daughter says she had no ideas about what to write, so she prayed and asked God what He wanted her to write about. She says that immediately she knew that He wanted her to write about the work He did on the cross. In her words, “I told Jesus that I was really scared to write about that because the class may laugh at me, but I knew that Jesus would be with me.” So, she wrote all about Jesus’ love for the world and that he died for us even in our sin…THEN she had to read her essay to the class. She was amazed that noone laughed at her. More importantly, she says that she knows that God was with her and she got to know him little bit more.

So, I just wanted to brag on my baby!

Maturity April 18, 2008

Often times as Christians, I feel that we focus on “saving souls” and not on Christian maturity. Jesus told us to go and make disciples of all men. A disciple was one who was chosen by a rabbi to follow them around and learn as much as they could from that rabbi about his yoke, or his interpretation of the scriptures. Rob Bell talks about this in his book Velvet Elvis… He says that a disciple was one who followed his rabbi so closely that the dust from the rabbi’s feet would cover the face and body of the disciple. That’s really close… I mean, I have issues with people being in my personal space and the feeling of someone walking right on my heals bugs the snot out of me but what if being a true disciple means being that close to the Lord? What if those people that God has placed in my life to be discipled to the best of my ability, means that my life has to be one that is worthy of being so closely inspected? What if every word that comes from my mouth is truly speaking life or death? That’s what the word says…the power of life and death is in the tongue. It also says that we will be judged for every idle word that we speak. That is a powerful statement to me. I am very opinionated and tend to be vocal at times about my opinions so this thought came to me this week… what if I speak my opinion about a situation and it is opposed to what God intends for that same situation? UGh… I am running circles in my head. I know that I am rambling a lot, this is a totally spontaneous blog…just wanted to get some of these thoughts out on “paper”… so this is my brain, jumbled and thinking.

SO back to what I was thinking. What if every action of mine, is catalyst in someones life for either help or harm? Obviously I am not God, I am not perfect, but I am called to be holy, for He is HOLY. I believe it was Paul who said***, it would be better to tie a millstone around my neck and jump in the ocean than to make a little one stumble. and by little one, that means a young, immature Christian. Oh, wow, how many times should I have just jumped into the ocean??

What are your thoughts out there in blog land?? Is any of this making sense to you?? what have you learned in your life about this??

CORRECTION-

*** It was not Paul it was Jesus who made this statement!

Nothing….My filthy rags. April 9, 2008

There is nothing inside of me that is good. Nothing. All of my best efforts come to nothing. That is where I am at this moment. Now before you think that I am all depressed and down on myself, I will tell you straight up, I am not being a victim. I am however becoming aware of my weakness. I am becoming aware that even my strengths become liabilities when they cause me to trust them instead of God.

It all started a couple of weeks ago when I began to feel that familiar numbness coming back to my spiritual life. Like my spiritual senses were becoming dull. All desire for the things of God was gone. I mean I could not even pretend to want to read my bible…or spend any significant time in prayer. I did not even want to listen to worship music at all. (if you know me, that’s a big deal.) So, I added some old school R&B to my ipod and embraced my spiritual apathy, whole heartedly. Another thing you have to understand about me, I don’t do anything halfway! I am fully in or I am fully out. I had depleted all of my own natural resources. I had nothing left to give anyone.

Last night, the small group (12th grade girls) that I lead came over to the house to discuss the book we are doing. … (experiencing God). I laugh even now at the irony. I am supposed to lead these girls to experience this God, who felt so distant even to me. We had not met together during the last two weeks…(the weeks of my apathy) but were getting caught up last night.

Here is what God did. Our conversations were about recognizing when God is speaking, or doing something, how to not feel so dead spiritually and how to want God. Crazy! Here are these beautiful girls, asking me how to do the very things that I have been avoiding. God spoke through me to them, and in turn reminded me that It’s true, I can’t do anything without Him. I can’t even want Him unless He first plants that desire in me. Even when I am feeling so deadened and disconnected from Him, He is at work, wooing me. I can’t do it. Do you get that?? It’s such a foreign concept in our world, there is no formula, there is NOTHING I can DO to make me want the things of God.

To go a little deeper here, It was my fault that I became disconnected in the first place. See, I tend to get cocky when I am doing “good” spiritually. I tend to coast through life relying on my own wisdom and my own abilities. I know beyond a shadow of doubt that my Father in heaven allowed me to wander far enough away from Him that I felt my need for Him. It reminds me of a time when my own daughter was three years old. She had a problem with wandering off in the grocery store, the mall or wherever we happened to be. Well, one day my husband and I decided she needed to learn that it was not a good idea. So we were in a store and when she wandered off to look at a toy display, we hid from her view. We could see her, but she could not see us. It took a few minutes for it to dawn on her that she was alone. I could see the emotions flickering across her face. When it finally registered that she had walked too far this time,her chin began to quiver and her eyes began to tear up. We came out from our hiding places, which were within two feet from her, and she was both angry and relieved. It may sound like a horrid thing to do, but she never wandered off again after that. I believe that God does the same with me. When I venture off of the path He is on, He just stops and waits for me to realize that I am doing it alone again. He never leaves me, but He just sort of hides Himself. Well, I am obviously a much more stubborn child than my own daughter, I don’t learn so easily. I wander off to look at my own version of toys, which I will plainly call idols. I whore myself out to all sorts of other lovers, self, people pleasing, recognition, pride, television…the list is long.

The good news though, even though I had nothing to give to that small group last night, God showed up. He helped us all to see that even the fact that I was discontent with my lack of desire for God, was the hand of God moving my heart. He showed me this verse this morning:

Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord;
no deeds can compare with yours.

All the nations you have made
will come and worship before you, O Lord;
they will bring glory to your name.

For you are great and do marvelous deeds;
you alone are God.

Teach me your way, O LORD,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.

I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.

For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.

Among all the gods, there is none like you… among all the idols that I erect in my life, there is none who can compare to Him! None of my “toys” will be able to come close to filling my emptiness. I want an undivided heart, to love Him. I want all the other lovers to fade away in the presence of God Almighty.

Great is HIS LOVE TOWARD ME. not my love toward Him. Even if I were a junkie, in an alley somewhere, His love for me would be the same. It is His faithfulness that will see me through to the end. It’s His loving kindness that will woo me to Him. Thank God, it is not reliant on my desires or lack thereof!

Lazarus, come forth February 7, 2008

John 11:30-44 (the message)
Jesus had not yet entered the town but was still at the place where Martha had met him. When her sympathizing Jewish friends saw Mary run off, they followed her, thinking she was on her way to the tomb to weep there. Mary came to where Jesus was waiting and fell at his feet, saying, “Master, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died.”
Jesus saw her sobbing and the Jews with her sobbing, a deep anger welled up within him. He said, “Where did you put him?”
“Master, come and see,” they said. Now Jesus wept.
The Jews said, “Look how deeply he loved him.”
Others among them said, “Well, if he loved him so much, why didn’t he do something to keep him from dying? After all, he opened the eyes of a blind man.”
Then Jesus, the anger again welling up within him, arrived at the tomb. It was a simple cave in the hillside with a slab of stone laid against it. Jesus said, “Remove the stone.”
The sister of the dead man, Martha, said, “Master, by this time there’s a stench. He’s been dead four days!”
Jesus looked her in the eye. “Didn’t I tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?”
Then, to the others, “Go ahead, take away the stone.”
They removed the stone. Jesus raised his eyes to heaven and prayed, “Father, I’m grateful that you have listened to me. I know you always do listen, but on account of this crowd standing here I’ve spoken so that they might believe that you sent me.”
Then he shouted, “Lazarus, come out!” And he came out, a cadaver, wrapped from head to toe, and with a kerchief over his face.
Jesus told them, “Unwrap him and let him loose.

Have you ever looked a situation that seemed hopeless? Maybe it is a dream that you thought God had planted in your heart. Maybe a child, sibling, parent or friend who is lost in addiction or they are not walking with Christ. From all appearances, it seems that it is a dead situation. Maybe everyone around, including you have given up hope that it will ever happen. Maybe the person lost in addiction is so far gone that it really is hopeless, so all involved have put the hope into a cave on a hillside and thrown the slab of stone up over the opening. Maybe you are mourning the loss of hope or perhaps you have long sense forgotten about it all together.

What stood out to me in this story is several things: the pain of the sisters, the response of the people and the response of Jesus.
Earlier in the story, Mary and Martha had sent a message to Jesus, informing him of Lazarus’ illness, with the request that Jesus come quickly to heal Him. See, they knew that Jesus had the power to heal him, no question. They knew the person of Jesus in a real way. They had relationship with Him. In verse 5-6 it says that Jesus loved Mary, Lazarus and Martha, yet he stayed in the place He was for two more days. He did not rush out immediately when the need was made known. Actually, he went on with business as usual until He had completed the task He was doing.

When Jesus finally arrives in town, He is first greeted by Martha, shortly followed by Mary. Both women accuse Him in their grief saying, “if you had been here, our brother would not have died!”
Jesus’ response was an angry groan!
Mary, Martha and all the people there at the wake had given up hope on the dead brother. They were mourning the loss. Jesus walks onto the scene and commands them to remove the stone. Martha says the only reasonable thing. Uh, God, Lazarus has been dead for four days…he’s not smelling so good!”
Groaning again, Jesus says, “I told you that you would see the Glory of God, why do you mourn?”

Jesus, prays outloud so that everyone could hear then commands: Lazarus, Come forth!“ Jesus raises the guy from the dead!!
When Lazarus comes out he is still wrapped in grave clothes…bound hands and feet and face still covered with the burial cloth. He would have had to hop, or hobble out because he was so bound up in the trappings of death.

This is huge to me. There are people that I have been praying for, that appear to be lost causes. They seem to be gone too far with no chance of being restored. This story gives me hope. Jesus can bring to life the things that by all appearance seem to be dead.
For that person wrapped in the grave clothes of addiction, they will need someone to help them to unwrap the chords that bind them. They will need help removing the residue of addiction…the habits, the hurts and the hang-ups. But Jesus, can bring them back to life.

That dream that is planted deep within you may appear hopeless. It may seem like it can never happen, but I tell you this, if It is the will of the Father, He will bring it to life again. Remember he continued on with what He was doing for two more days before going to Mary, Martha and Lazarus’ aid. What you may be perceiving as a “no“, may only be a “not yet“ from the Father.

Don’t give up. Don’t bury the hope of seeing that dream come to fruition. Don’t put the stone over the grave of that person running from God into addiction. Look to the Father. Wait for the glory of God to be revealed in the graveyard of your hopes.

Like a child February 1, 2008

My daughter (8yrs old) came into the living room this week to ask me if we could cuddle. I said sure and put my laptop down to make room in my lap. As we sat there talking about her day at school she began to ask questions about God. Her main question seemed to be how did one get to know God better. I began to tell her the normal stuff, you know, read His word, pray to Him and listen to Him when He speaks back to you. She looked at me intently and said, well, i do pray and I do my devotionals…..but I have not heard Him speak back, HOW does that happen? I felt the Holy Spirit leading me as I picked up my bible next to me and began to read out of I Samuel 3:1-21. I love the story, so I am posting it:

The boy Samuel ministered before the LORD under Eli. In those days the word of the LORD was rare; there were not many visions.  One night Eli, whose eyes were becoming so weak that he could barely see, was lying down in his usual place.  The lamp of God had not yet gone out, and Samuel was lying down in the temple of the LORD, where the ark of God was.  Then the LORD called Samuel. Samuel answered, “Here I am.”  And he ran to Eli and said, “Here I am; you called me.”
But Eli said, “I did not call; go back and lie down.” So he went and lay down.  Again the LORD called, “Samuel!” And Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, “Here I am; you called me.” “My son,” Eli said, “I did not call; go back and lie down.” The LORD called Samuel a third time, and Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, “Here I am; you called me.” Then Eli realized that the LORD was calling the boy.  So Eli told Samuel, “Go and lie down, and if he calls you, say, ‘Speak, LORD, for your servant is listening.’ ” So Samuel went and lay down in his place.  The LORD came and stood there, calling as at the other times, “Samuel! Samuel!” Then Samuel said, “Speak, for your servant is listening.” Now Samuel did not yet know the LORD : The word of the LORD had not yet been revealed to him.

  And the LORD said to Samuel: “See, I am about to do something in Israel that will make the ears of everyone who hears of it tingle.  At that time I will carry out against Eli everything I spoke against his family—from beginning to end.  For I told him that I would judge his family forever because of the sin he knew about; his sons made themselves contemptible, and he failed to restrain them.  Therefore, I swore to the house of Eli, ‘The guilt of Eli’s house will never be atoned for by sacrifice or offering.’ “

  Samuel lay down until morning and then opened the doors of the house of the LORD. He was afraid to tell Eli the vision,  Samuel answered, “Here I am.”  “What was it he said to you?” Eli asked. “Do not hide it from me. May God deal with you, be it ever so severely, if you hide from me anything he told you.”  So Samuel told him everything, hiding nothing from him. Then Eli said, “He is the LORD; let him do what is good in his eyes.” And all Israel from Dan to Beersheba recognized that Samuel was attested as a prophet of the LORD.  The LORD continued to appear at Shiloh, and there he revealed himself to Samuel through his word. The LORD was with Samuel as he grew up, and he let none of his words fall to the ground.

I went on to explain to my daughter about how God can still speak to His people, if we will listen. It may not be an audible voice, but he speaks in many ways. I love that it says above in verse 3 that the lamp of the Lord had not yet gone out. The lamp of the Lord was supposed to burn all night. So that means that God spoke to Samuel in the night. It has been my experience that God does speak to me more often at night. My only reasoning, is that is the time when I am most still. Since I was about 13 or 14, God has given me prophetic dreams often revealing things to pray about for others or situations that need to be covered in prayer. I would always wake up right after the dream, with an intense concern for the situation. If you know me, you know that it would have to be God to get me out of bed in the middle of the night!

Anyway, I digress, the point is this, I have been really wondering If God was real to my daughter. I know it’s not my job to make God real, but I don’t want to make Him appear small to her either. I was beyond excited when this conversation ended because she got really excited too. She asked me to please pray for her to begin to hear the voice of God. That she would be open to dreams and visions from Him. Praise God!! I was able to lay hands on her and pray that her spiritual eyes and ears would be opened to God. I am just overwhelmed by God’s grace that He would woo my little girl into a relationship with Him. I don’t know what he has in store for her, but I pray that like Samuel, as she grows up, God will not let her words fall to the ground either!

How does God speak to you? Are you being still enough to listen to Him? There is nothing in the world more transforming to one’s soul than to hear the voice of God. Nothing more intimate than to have the secret’s of God’s heart revealed to you. He longs for this type of relationship with His people. He is not a stoic God who is detached from His children. He longs to be intimate. He longs to share what is on His heart with you! Seek Him and you WILL find Him!

Good ‘nuf! January 31, 2008

John 1:10-16 (emphasis added mine)
He was in the world, and the world was made through Him, and the world did not know Him.  He came to His own,  and His own   did not receive Him.  But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, to those who believe in His name:  who were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God.
And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.  John bore witness of Him and cried out, saying, “This was He of whom I said, ‘He who comes after me is preferred before me, for He was before me.’”  And of His fullness we have all received, and grace for grace  For the law was given through Moses, but grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.

When you think about God, what comes to mind? Maybe you think he loves people, but he is often disappointed in you. Maybe he is like a morality cop, waiting for you to screw up. Maybe you think that God is a delusion that people created as a crutch.  For me, I  used to get this picture of an old man in white, with a long flowing beard, sitting on a huge marble throne. He was surrounded by clouds, so much so that I could never get a clear picture in my mind of His face. In this picture, I was often, bowing (cowering) at His feet in a nervous way. Oh, I was in awe of Him too, but still had this nagging suspicion that I was not in His favors. I never felt that I could measure up to the standard that I felt He had set for me. I was always “messing up”

There are many things that can shape our perspective of the Father God. Maybe we had an abusive father, maybe he worked all the time or was altogether absent. Maybe you had a great dad, but other men in your life were poor examples of what God is like.  Maybe you were in  a church that was legalistic. It took me a long time to sift and separate the many perceptions I had of God. Some were true but many were distorted.  One of the sources of my  distorted perceptions was the fact that I was raised in a very legalistic church. I came to believe that God was that policeman in the sky, watching for me to mess up so he could strike me down. Maybe not by a literal bolt of lightning, but in some sort of punishment He would surely get me back.    If I was not living up to par, then He would not bless me, he would not use me and would give me the silent treatment so to speak.

I have often struggled with the fear that I would never measure up to what  a “good Christian” should look like.  I am just too blunt,  too sad, too happy, too angry, to relaxed,   too poor, too rich, I don’t read the bible enough, I don’t understand the bible enough, I don‘t pray enough…. etc….   See I was placing all these rules and expectations on myself in order to avoid punishment from God. I was in essence trying to take the place of Jesus in my own life. I was determined (not knowingly) to be my own savior.  There is a scripture that Paul says basically, that if you are trying to earn your salvation by works, you are telling Jesus that His work is not enough.  That is so hard to swallow if you tend to be a performance based, people pleaser, like I have been. That is one of those verses that we glance over quickly moving on to something like, “work out your salvation with fear and trembling” only to interpret that through the lens of earning our keep!

I have now come to believe that God does not view me through the same “glasses” that I view my self. He sees me through the blood of Jesus. The one pure spotless lamb.  vs. 16 in the NKJV says it this way:
And of HIS fullness we have all received and grace for grace.  That word fullness translates as full measure, copiousness (present in large quantity), that which has been completed. It describes a ship with full cargo and crew.  Guys, we are complete in Christ.  Not because we are good enough, (because God knew we could never be “good enough”) but because Christ took our place. He is there interceding on our behalf to God the Father.
He is our portion, our fullness and our covering. His grace is enough. Enough to cover every imperfection. All we have to do is accept it, freely. That is harder at times than working for it. Especially to prideful people such as myself. I am always fighting to remain humble, not self sufficient. He never called me to be self sufficient. He called me to be God-dependent. I am not saying that we never have to do anything…I am saying that nothing we DO can make us any better in the eyes of God.

So, don’t get wrapped up in being “Good enough” Just abide in Him. Commune with Him. You are fully loved, totally forgiven, whole and complete in Christ. You have value, HUGE value because Christ the pure spotless one, loved you enough to die a painful, shameful death so that we could be free! Free from shame, guilt and Fear! Praise God!

Going again… January 18, 2008

Yes, I am going away again. I am leaving for the weekend to go stay at a family cabin on a very small island not too far from where I live. It’s like another world over there… few phones, no stores, no internet, no cable and no cell phone reception! I am so excited that I can barely contain myself! I go every year at least once and this year I am taking my friends Charity and Kim. Girl time out in the wild!

I hope to be back in writing mode when I return. I have been filled with too much in my head lately that I have been unable to articulate any of it. SO, a “clearing of the mind” weekend is in order. On the bright side, some of what has been filling my mind, is that I have been trying to finish up my first part of my lay counseling diploma through the American Association of Christian Counselors. I finished it this week and am waiting on my test score and first certification!! Yeah!

Be back soon!!
H

marriage. January 11, 2008

Today is mine and Jon’s ten year anniversary. It’s so hard to believe that I am even old enough to be married, much less for ten years!  Well, it has been an interesting ten years to say the least. Despite having a few bumpy patches, we are happier and healthier now than we were when we were dating.

We began dating about a month after my 17th birthday and had been friends for a couple of years prior to that. We have been ministering together in one way or another since I was 15.I find it hard to believe at times that two unbelievably codependent kids could grow up so much together, and remain in a marraige. I mean we are totally different people that when we met. It is Amazing that God has blessed us so much. I would not change one thing about our life together. It truly is fulfilling and wonderful.  Anyway, thought I would let you in on the fact that I am an old married broad now!

sleeping January 8, 2008

Have you ever had a limb fall asleep? Maybe you fell asleep lying on your arm or maybe you sat on your foot for too long. You really don’t notice it…until you try to use it. Then it can seem as if small needles are pricking you from the inside as blood rushes to bring its life back into the slumbering entity. That to me is the most painful part of this whole sleeping limb thing.

There is a part of my spirit that fell asleep long ago. I remember when it happened. I remember choosing to cut the flow of life to that part of me because it was too overwhelming at times. So I chose to pretend it did not exist. I pretended that it was no longer relevant. I chose to ignore who I was created to be!

Recently, my loving Jesus began to bring to mind this sleeping limb. He is calling me to begin using this sleeping part of me. This part that I have buried beneath layers of fear of man and the unknown for so long that it lays dormant within me. The more I try to move, the more painful it becomes as life rushes back into my soul.

This sleeping part of me is one of the spiritual gifts that He imparted to me long ago. I am so broken hearted that I hid from it for so long, but I am so grateful that He loved me enough to wait until I can handle it. I don’t want to have to tell Him one day, that I buried it, No, I want to be a good steward of what He has given me. I want to use it to His glory!

Oh, for more thoughts on stewardship go check out Tam. She just wrote something about the same topic!

God-ordained moments November 9, 2007

So, I am at my sister in law’s house for a few days. She is on bed rest for a while to keep this baby in for a few more weeks. I have been cooking and cleaning for her, pushing her around the mall in a wheelchair to give her a change of environment and just keeping her company. I am enjoying myself.

I left town on Tuesday morning. As I pulled onto the freeway I noticed a small Mercedes convertible as I was merging into a lane. Nothing extraordinary about it, a cream colored, older model Mercedes, just cruising along.  It was an elderly man with a a Panama Jack style hat on his head. It may seem strange to many of you that I payed this much attention but like I said before, I observe people. This gentleman stayed closely behind me for an hour and a half or so until he decided to pass me.  I remember thinking that he must be in  a hurry to get somewhere as I was driving at a pretty high speed.  Fifteen minutes or so later, I noticed a Panama Jack style hat, on the side of the road. It did not register right away, until I saw it. About twenty yards ahead of me was a Semi-truck stopped with a cream colored, older model Mercedes jammed underneath it. My heart just stopped. I cried out No, Jesus, no, Jesus! I just could not believe that this gentleman was gone. I mean we were traveling the same road together for a little while until he just wasn’t there anymore.

After ten minutes or so, I began to calm down and think about how frail life is. It is fleeting as a wisp of smoke. Its gone before you know it!  It would have been very easy to fall into fear that something would happen to me next and that fear did try to creep up into my heart. Then it happened, a peace began to fall on me and I realized, not just in my head, but in my heart, My days are numbered by my God. He holds my life in His hands. I am here until He is ready for me to leave this earth, at which time, I will be in His physical presence. So, I have nothing to fear.

All of this was precipitated by a prayer that I have been praying: ” God make me aware of the people around me, Give me your heart for them. Show me what to pray for them, what is on your heart. I will speak if you say to speak, pray if you say to pray!”

I believe that he made me aware of this gentleman to pray. Sadly, I did not. I just let this seemingly ordinary time pass by as just that, ordinary. It did not cross my very busy, and preoccupied mind that this moment was a God moment.

What about you, do you notice when God brings someone into your path. Do you allow your heart to be flooded by the emotions of God? Do you allow your schedule to be rearranged or postponed when God has something else that He wants you to do?

Cultural relativity? October 12, 2007

My heart is heavy right now. My daughter is in the third grade. Up to this year she was in a Christian private school but now she is in public school. She is loving the change. She has had a few questions like ” why are their no bibles or books about Jesus in the library?” Why don’t we say the pledge to the Christian flag?”  “Why don’t we have chapel in the mornings?”

I know this sounds a little crazy to some, but it was something we took for granted in a Christian school.  Both my husband and myself attended the same private school for the majority if not all of our school years.  Anyway, my daughter got in the car today after chorus looking very sad.  After a few minutes of winding down from the day, she came out with it. “Mom, I am sad today. They gave us a new song to sing and Mrs Jennings said that we had to change the phrase light of God to Light of the world.”   My daughter and her spirit sensitive heart were broken and angry that anyone would try to stifle or hide the light of the World. She kept saying, “don’t they know that there is no light in the world except for the light of the World, JESUS!”

You know, I actually cried with her. It breaks my heart. I am not a religious fanatic. I am however a lover of God. He is my friend, my healer, my redeemer. He is the air I breathe, the light in the darkness of my life. He is my hope, my lover and father. I feel a very real sense of anger and indignation, that anyone would try to hide Him. That anyone would try to silence my daughter from singing about Him.  That the enemy of our souls would speak his lies against the knowledge of God….the very God that the founders of this country built upon.  We call it cultural relativity, but I say what could be more relative to a culture so lost in the dark, than the light of a Holy God?

So there is my rant for the day…sorry for grammatical mistakes… this is merely a vent.