My idea of pure worship August 26, 2011

It’s been a long time since I have written on this blog. Here is my attempt at reawakening the writer within! Enjoy this small piece I wrote recently.

Running through the streets with tears streaming down her face, she cradled the treasure that had cost her everything. Bursting through the door she had eyes only for one thing, His face. Desperation fueled her frantic searching until her eyes met His.
Tears still streaming, she pushed past the dignified crowd. Weeping aloud now, her tears of unbridled affection and gratitude to her Savior, her Deliverer and her friend began to leave trails through the dust on His feet. Unabashedly, she began to wipe them clean with her hair. Then amidst gasps of judgment, she disclosed her hidden treasure, a costly perfume meant to be a dowry for future husband. Breaking it open in a messy display, she poured it out on His feet. Painting a vivid picture of absolute dependence and surrender to her Messiah. As the room filled with the fragrance of her love, it also filled with the sounds of disapproval. “Such extravagance!” they whispered, “such a waste!”
Her heart was unmoved, though it had cost her everything, it seemed too small a price. Had she to do it all again, she would. She wanted to give all she was to receive all that He is. She was forever changed by the love she found in His eyes. She is the picture of worship

Authentic? April 10, 2010

Authenticity or integrity, what is it? My handy-dandy MS word dictionary here says:

Authentic- genuineness, the genuineness or truth of something.

The bible uses the word integrity a good bit which upon literal interpretation usually means:

innocent, simplicity, completeness, fullness.

I have been thinking about my own personal authenticity  this week.  See, I strive daily to be a person of integrity, authentic to who I really am;  who God says I am.   Because I am in Christ, He sees me as innocent, complete  and whole. Sounds a lot like authenticity does it not? So why is it so difficult at times to live the authentic life I long for? I think it’s because often I  allow other’s opinions and perceptions alter how act. Sometimes, my own wounded-ness  caused by living life on this earth has altered in my mind who I think I am.  Somewhere down the line, I got the messages that “ I alone am not enough”,” my best is not good enough”, “if I am not doing nice things, I am not enough”,” if I appear weak, I am not enough”, “if I don’t act a certain way, I am not enough”,” if I feel sad or angry, I am not good enough”, “If I question life or God, I am bad”,” If I am not always smiling and helping out others, I am not good enough”, and on and on and on….

It is exhausting trying to live up to the unattainable standard that I have imposed on myself. What right do I have to think that I am not enough, when God Himself has deemed me of infinite value simply because I have breath in my lungs?  If I were authentic, I would live my life through the lense of God. It is when I life my life with the simple faith of a child that I am who He says I am, that I am genuinely authentic. When I realize the simple truth  that my value has NOTHING to do with me or what I do, or say or feel and EVERYTHING about what price that was paid for me. Then I am simply authentic.  God paid the price of the life of His only Son to pay for the debt that I could never ever pay so that I could be the real me.

Oh, amazing Love, I’ve found January 1, 2010

Lately I have been deeply in thought about the fallen nature of the world. I know that is probably a Christian Cliché but it is becoming so real to me.  Seeing the brokenness is overwhelming at times.

At one time I would see addiction, sin, brokenness and bad behavior from the world as something that needed to be corrected by the sinner. I acted as though  it was within the power of humans to change themselves; somehow buying into the lie that we can evolve out of sinfulness by simply changing the behaviors that are ugly.  If I am honest, I still fall into that line of thinking more than I wish that I did.   It is so easy to think that by simply modifying one’s behavior, we could change the world’s fallen nature.

This week I have had a lot time to ponder and pray about my own heart. Much of my prayer has been focused on asking God to make my heart tender to the things that he is tender toward, to see things as He does and to show me wrong perceptions and beliefs that I still hold.  The most significant thing that I have been pondering is the unbelievable brokenness of humanity and the overwhelming love of a God who came to redeem them even though some may never turn to Him.

I know firsthand the affects of addiction and brokenness on mankind. My family has a long track record of both and I have felt many things this holiday season as I pondered the affects they have had on me and my family.  To watch as man’s attempt to feel normal drags them deeper into a pit of despair is disheartening.  Realizing my own powerlessness to fix the problem is discouraging on the one hand and eye opening on the other.  It has opened my eyes to see the beauty of what the cross means. It has revealed more of the heart of the Father for a desperate people.   It is revealing the depth of love He has for us, an adulterous people.

I am so glad that God is not like me. I would have destroyed the whole world and started again. I would have created beings like robots that would love me, do my bidding and not mess it up.   He was so much more gracious, he made a way for us, who wander away like sheep, to come back into the fold.  He loves us enough to weep with us in our own pain and woo us gently as we wander around blindly. He loves us. The God of the universe, who is perfect and gracious, loves us, who are broken and less than grace filled. Oh, the beauty of the cross! Oh, the Love of our God!  He is Grace and He is Love.

As I close out this year, I am grateful for his love and grace for me. I am humbled and in awe of his redemption of sinners. Praise Him who heals and Praise Him who saves!

Happy New year!!

I love you, Honestly I do? December 24, 2009

I want to be an honest person. I want people to know that if I say something, it is the truth. I want that to be my reputation. I want to be trustworthy. I also want to love people. I want people to know that I love them by the respect that I show them, by the words I say to them and about them. Sometimes these two desires seem contradictory. I am a very blunt person and at times my words are hurtful, negative, fault finding and tactless. I hate that aspect of my personality but love the ability to say what I feel, think or believe. I want to find the balance between honesty and tactlessness. Jesus had both brutal honesty and selfless love united in a perfect harmony that drew people to Him and ultimately to His Father in heaven.

Sadly what comes out of our mouths is dictated by the state of our heart. If we are living in a connected relationship with Father God, then our hearts will become more and more like His heart. Therefore our speech will become more and more like His. The way that we think about situations and people will be different because we will be reflecting back the love of the Father. Think about this for a minute, Father God created all of mankind in HIS image. If we say that we love God, then won’t we also love his image bearers here on earth even if that image seemly does not even resemble Him? Jesus takes that a step further and says that if we say we love him, yet don’t love our brother and sister, we are liars.

I was talking about this to my ten year old daughter a couple of weeks ago after a particularly hard day at school. She verbalized what many of us would if we were not so “dignified”. She said, “How in the world do I love that person….. I cannot stand them!” I think it is a natural tendency in people to equate our feelings about someone to dictate whether or not we love them. Love is not an emotion though. Love is a choice, a commitment to someone’s well being. Actually in the Merriam Webster dictionary one of the definitions is this: “an unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another.” That is a hard pill to swallow for anyone who lives according to their feelings which change from minute to minute! I also looked up benevolent which means: marked by or disposed to doing good. Unselfish, loyal and marked by doing good toward someone who treats me poorly or even someone who annoys me beyond belief is extremely difficult.

This is why I cannot live by how I feel, but by truth. That truth is that all people have great value because they are made in the image of God and all people were bought with a great price, the life of the Son of God. All of us have fallen short of the ideal. All of us are broken but the Lord placed a stamp of worth on all man kind when he chose to die for us. Even in the most depraved state of being, a human still has this great worth. Oh, Lord, help me to love the people you came to save! Help me to choose to treat them as you would! Give me eyes to see beneath angry, sad or annoying exteriors. Give me ears to hear what is not being said. Most of all, give me your heart of love for a broken people.

CHRISTmas time is Here December 22, 2009

I have been asking a question of God lately. I find myself whispering this prayer constantly throughout my day and even the night at times. It is a personal, meaningful question upon which my entire life and faith are built upon. So I ask it in order to have my life and faith be built upon a strong foundation. The question is simple, yet complex. The question is this: “who are you?”

Who is God? Who is this Christ that I follow? This deity, omniscient, omnipresent, all-powerful, all seeing, miracle producing, commanding all created things, the uncreated Creator, the One who is, who was and who will be, the God who stepped down off His throne and was born in a barn to an unwed girl. This baby, who was born to die for a broken, fallen people, who is He? This God who walked for thirty something years as a human man, fully God and fully man. Who is this God man who was moved with compassion for the people he described as sheep without a shepherd? This God, who told the lame man to pick up his mat and walk, opened the eyes of the blind, loosed the tongue of the mute, commanded demons to leave, fed the hungry, loved the unlovable, who is He? This sovereign God, who directs the steps of the righteous, causes all things to work for our good and speaks healing to our pain and freedom to our shame.

I will be honest and say, I still have no idea who He really is. I don’t know nearly as much as I wish, nor will I until I see Him face to face. I crave the knowledge of Him, the experiential knowledge of Him more than anything. I want desperately to have a heart like his. I want to me moved with compassion for a world full of sheep without a shepherd. I see glimpses of Him in people around me and even marvel at times when I see Him in me. I am humbled and brought to tears by the lack of His resemblance in my life though. I’m so grateful that it’s not up to me to form his heart in mine. I am so relieved that I serve a merciful, gracious God, who is slow to anger! Praise God!
I hope that this Christmas, you will join with me in my meditation on the personhood of Christ. May He blow your perceptions of Him out of the water! May you fall in love with the lover of your soul.
Merry Christmas!!

Why do birds sing? April 28, 2009

Last week, while letting my dog, Lexie, out once more for the night,  I heard a bird singing loudly. It was the only sound other than the sound of the wind blowing lightly through the trees and it was disconcerting. Disconcerting not only because it was late at night, not only because it was the only bird I could hear but because it was an eerie, desperate cry of sorts. I don’t know, maybe I was just being too imaginative for my own good, but it just seemed out of place in general to hear a song bird singing in the darkness rather than the light of day. The sound and the feelings surrounding it have stuck with me in the back of my mind for the week since.

Today in my quiet time I began thinking about it again. So, like every other distracting thought that comes into my head, I jotted it down on the notebook beside me to research later. The question “why would a bird sing at night?”, was repeating in my head over and over. To me, birds are creatures of praise. That is what I think of when I hear them. They just exist and worship, that’s it. Okay, back to my thoughts… birds usually are silent at night…sleeping or whatnot. So I googled the topic and began to read these threads about it. Here are the most common streams of thought.

1. A hungry cat has recently moved into the neighborhood causing the raucous

2. There is too much light in the area

3. Too much noise during the day so they sing at night. (mating calls, communicative singing)

So, here is what I felt drop in my spirit. We as believers are quick to sing our praises during the day, when we can see the light but when the darkness comes, we are often silenced out of fear of the hungry cat (roaring lion, enemy of our souls) or we are so busy during the day that the voice of God is drowned out by the noisiness around us. I know that I tend to withdraw my praises, not intentionally, but it just seems that when life gets really hard and I feel alone, I get quiet in my worship and prayers. It just dwindles until I am left cold, empty and fearful. I want to be like that bird. I want my song to be heard by God and the enemy even in the darkest moments of my life. I want to lift my voice loudly in prayer and praise when I hear the enemy coming. Lord, give me a song in the night, a word of praise during fear. Give me ears to hear in the midst of the storms around me. Help me to stay focused on you!! You are my deliverer, my refuge and my salvation!

Revive Us! April 24, 2009

2 Kings 4:1-7 A certain woman of the wives of the sons of the prophets cried out to Elisha, saying, “Your servant my husband is dead, and you know that your servant feared the LORD. And the creditor is coming to take my two sons to be his slaves.” So Elisha said to her, “What shall I do for you? Tell me, what do you have in the house?” And she said, “Your maidservant has nothing in the house but a jar of oil.” Then he said, “Go, borrow vessels from everywhere, from all your neighbors—empty vessels; do not gather just a few. And when you have come in, you shall shut the door behind you and your sons; then pour it into all those vessels, and set aside the full ones.” So she went from him and shut the door behind her and her sons, who brought the vessels to her; and she poured it out. Now it came to pass, when the vessels were full, that she said to her son, “Bring me another vessel.” And he said to her, “There is not another vessel.” So the oil ceased. Then she came and told the man of God. And he said, “Go, sell the oil and pay your debt; and you and your sons live on the rest.”

How do you raise a generation who fears God and seeks holiness? How do you teach that humility precedes holiness to a people of such independence and pride? How do you seek to have broken vessels filled with the spirit of God. The task is daunting and at times seems unattainable. I know this, it cannot be done by the ideas of man. It will not happen because we have some cool new way of presenting God. It will not happen by implementing some new program. When the widow went to Elisha, she had nothing to stop the creditors from taking her sons into slavery but some olive oil. I can tell you this, if someone told me that the mortgage company was coming to take my little one, olive oil would not be a comforting thought. I would probably panic, had a prophet given me those instructions! However, as a youth worker, I see the enemy taking our kids onto slavery on a weekly basis. As ministers, parents, leaders, we having nothing in and of ourselves that could snatch them back from becoming slaves to the enemy of our souls. However, we do have the oil of the Spirit of God. I am praying and asking The holy spirit to be released in a powerful way among the teens that I work with. I am asking for deliverance from bondage, freedom from fears and a group of teens who can say that they have seen God. I am not interested in a youth group full of kids who can play church, talking the talk and faking holiness, I want to see the fire of God resonating from them as they seek His face. Messy? Yes, but nothing worth having comes easily or without cost! What about you, have you come to the place where you have exhausted your man made efforts to see change in a situation? It’s time to seek the face of God…not just his hand and what He can do for us, but His face! That is my heart right now! I pray that you too will begin to come to the end of human resources so that all you can do it seek Him.

Nothing In life is Free….or is it? April 12, 2009

Galations 3:1-6, 11-12

You crazy Galatians! Did someone put a hex on you? Have you taken leave of your senses? Something crazy has happened, for it’s obvious that you no longer have the crucified Jesus in clear focus in your lives. His sacrifice on the cross was certainly set before you clearly enough.  2-4Let me put this question to you: How did your new life begin? Was it by working your heads off to please God? Or was it by responding to God’s Message to you? Are you going to continue this craziness? For only crazy people would think they could complete by their own efforts what was begun by God. If you weren’t smart enough or strong enough to begin it, how do you suppose you could perfect it? Did you go through this whole painful learning process for nothing? It is not yet a total loss, but it certainly will be if you keep this up!  5-6Answer this question: Does the God who lavishly provides you with his own presence, his Holy Spirit, working things in your lives you could never do for yourselves, does he do these things because of your strenuous moral striving or because you trust him to do them in you? Don’t these things happen among you just as they happened with Abraham? He believed God, and that act of belief was turned into a life that was right with God. 11-12 The obvious impossibility of carrying out such a moral program should make it plain that no one can sustain a relationship with God that way. The person who lives in right relationship with God does it by embracing what God arranges for him. Doing things for God is the opposite of entering into what God does for you. Habakkuk had it right: “The person who believes God, is set right by God—and that’s the real life.” Rule-keeping does not naturally evolve into living by faith, but only perpetuates itself in more and more rule-keeping, a fact observed in Scripture: “The one who does these things [rule-keeping] continues to live by them.“

I was thinking today about churches that practice legalism and why people stay in that environment. I came to the conclusion that there is something safe about having rules and guidelines to “stay in the good graces” of God. As someone who, by nature (or nurture) tends to follow the rules, I can understand that logic. Rules tell me what is expected of me, what keeps me out of trouble, what keeps me safe and I can know the outcome if I follow them. I am also a list person, an organizer, clean freak. Why am I this way? Only God knows, but as such, I struggle with things that take me out of the drivers seat. I like to know the outcome, I like to know the expectations, I like to be in control. I struggle with the feeling that my eternal value is dependent on someone other than me. Yes, I KNOW that it’s not dependent on me or my behavior, but I have struggled and continue at times to struggle with this fear. I am fully aware that there is nothing on earth that I can do to earn the love of God. There is nothing I can do to make Him like me more than he already does, nor is there anything that can rip me from His hands. So, why is the struggle to perform for Him still there? I think it comes down to my unwillingness to rest in the truth. Truth is a person, Jesus. Yes, all too often I refuse to REST in the fact that Jesus has already done the work for me. We all REFUSE to rest in this truth every time we “do something” to earn his favor. He has redeemed me. He has payed my way. He has covered my screw ups past, present and future. There is a huge difference in doing good works because we love Him vs doing good things to make Him love us more. Yet, these two motives get mixed up for me sometimes. I do love my beautiful Savior, so much so that it brings me to tears even typing it out, but I must remember that I cannot even love Him unless He causes me to. I feel like the Galatians… I feel as though someone has come and bewitched me with this belief that nothing in life is free. But it is free, this love offered to me by God. It’s free to me and it’s free to you, but came at a great cost to Him. What makes me feel that I have anything that could come close to repaying Him?? Such pride. God forgive me.

Who were you? February 13, 2009

I was watching Tvland today (i love old shows) and was fascinated by the commercial for something called High School Reunion. It is crazy to me how some people change drastically over the years but some stay just as immature and shallow as they were in high school. There are so many rolls … class clown, cheerleader, mr/mrs popularity, the loner etc… So tell me, who were you in High School and How have you changed?

I don’t know what I really was in high school… I would probably go with the cheerleader since I was the captain of the cheerleading team.

Haggard and oprah January 30, 2009

Did anyone see Ted Haggard on Oprah yesterday? It was quite interesting watching Oprah try to pigeon hole the man into agreeing with her. If you did not see the show, Here is a news link about it. If you did see it, I would LOVE to hear what you thought.

Relationships January 23, 2009

Ok, so I have not written anything in a while because life got really busy for a while. Today, I have a favor to ask. I am getting ready to teach a small group of highschool girls about healthy relationships. How to identify unhealthy or even dangerous patterns in a guy before getting serious with them. The most recent statistic says that over 40% of girls aged 14-18 know someone being beaten in a dating relationship or have been beaten in a dating relationship. The stats for emotional abuse are much, much higher. With that stat in mind, I have been preparing this talk.

Here is where you come in, if you could please answer one or more of the following questions for me in comment form, that would be wonderful!!

What do you wish you had known to look for in the opposite sex when you were a teen?

What qualities are the most important to look for when choosing a mate, (both positive and negative traits)?

what are the warning signs to look for in a potentially unhealthy relationship?

What character traits would you consider to be deal breakers in a relationship?

How long do you feel is a sufficient time to really “know” someone well enough to consider marriage to them?

Thanks for your help!

11 Things about Me November 21, 2008

Here are some things about me.

1. I have spent the day in jail two years ago for attempted theft of a car, driving without insurance and driving with an expired tag…it was a HUGE misunderstanding and at no fault of my own.. all charges were dropped. That’s what happens when you drive someones new car before they finish all the paper work!

2. I hate to cook, but I’m pretty good at it.

3. I attended a private Christian school from 1st to 5th, home schooled from 5th – 9th, back to the same private school for 9th-10th, home for 11th and back to private school for Senior year.

4. I have worked as a bank teller, pharmaceutical technician, bookkeeper, Gopher/receptionist for an attorney, nanny and I sold jeans at Levi’s.

5. I kept several diaries in highschool, but only put the stuff that would freak my parent’s out in one that was easily found b/c I knew that they were reading it!

6. I had an imaginary friend named Captain Dan. When I was about three, my mom and I went to the post office. When we drove away, I was crying so hysterically that my mom asked what in the world was wrong. I finally choked out, “we left captain Dan at the post office!”

7. I believed in Santa until I was fourteen, noone could convince me other wise.

8. My favorite snack currently is salted, roasted almonds.

9. Lecrae’s cd called When the music stops makes me cry for some reason… the lyrics to “i’m praying for you” and “send me”in particular.

10. I am fascinated by the sky and thank God every time it catches my attention. I think of it as a gift from Him.

11. I have never broken a bone.

Ok, that’s all I can think of right now…. How about you??

I am a cat person October 15, 2008

Yep, that’s right, a cat person…I have never liked dogs. Well, I have not liked dogs since my first puppy, Muffin when I was three. They drool, they bark loudly, they stink and the sniff everything…which I find very annoying. Cat’s are low maintenance and cool. They just sort of mind their own business, eat, sleep and occasionally they might play a bit. So why am I writing a small essay on the characteristics of cat and dog owners? Because after almost eight years of “discussion” my husband finally got a dog.

Her name is Lexie. She is a dachshund mix and we rescued her from the “gas chamber” just days before her certain death. (insert tiny violins here) I have to say, she is the cutest dog… and she has “puppy-eyed” her way into my heart. I am smitten with a dog… and I can not believe it. How about you, are you a cat person or a dog person?

Other side of the ocean October 8, 2008

I feel like I am being awakened from a society induced coma. It’s as if my eyes are being forced open to the state of the world. Global poverty, the slave industry and the AIDS/HIV epidemic are rampant. There is a group of missionary/musicians whose only reason for using their music is to make money for foreign missions…they are called Unnamed Servant. ALL of the money from their cd sales goes to missions. They and their families give their lives to foreign mission fields. I got the opportunity to meet them this month and was blown away by what I saw in them. Here are lyric from two of their songs from their latest album called Anthem.

On the other side of the ocean, people forgotten in commotion forged under blood red skies.
You’ve seen this world in pictures fly covered, starving children left to believe this is life.
The trash they live in eating the scraps their given, still not enough to survive
Disease and malnutrition false hope in the west’ religion, this is enough to make God cry.
From a distance, you can’t feel it, you can choose just to close your eyes
When you’re in it, you can taste it, you’ve got no choice but to give your life.
You’re home bound, can you imagine, sister raped, how can this happen, now there’s talk of genocide.
Society is all in a panic Mother cries from images too graphic and you thank God it’s not your life.
Go ahead change the channel watch a show where weight loss is a battle, so sad they had too many calories. Send your check to support a child, you did your part now you can smile and get back to your American dream.
Oh say can you see a world with out poverty, where the widow can eat, and the orphan can dream
Where the slave is set free, the oppressed find liberty, and avoid military and the farmer rewrites history?
From a distance you can’t feel it, you can choose just to close your eyes.
When your in to, you can taste it, you’ve got no choice but to give your life!

Your attendance twice aweek, your tithes and your offerings its vanity
Its not for me the worship you’re leading the sermons your preaching, it’s just noise to me

You can keep your cds the building your making, the money your saving in my name causes me so much shame, none of it matters, it just doesn’t matter.. People starving, dying,  and I’m the bread of life

Recognize, the face of God in slanted eyes, darker skin and foreign smiles. Recognize value of human life even when it’s not white. Recognize.

This cd is extremely controversial for most of us in the west. I have found that the young people who hear it, love it, it stirs them to a passionate desire to be the hands and feet of Christ. I have also found that a lot of the “adults” who hear it, tend to be less excited about it…saying it’s not practical..it’s too extreme…it’s too radical.

I will admit, that it was my first thought too…but my next thought was, but God, if I am wrong, please change my heart. Guess what?? My heart is breaking… I cry everytime I hear the songs…I cry when i see the hell that is reality for millions of people across our beautiful ocean! I believe that Jesus was pretty radical, extreme and impractical at times! I am beginning to see that in the American church we have made Jesus into this blonde haired, blue eyed gentle passivist who never got his hands dirty. How much further can we get from the truth??

What about you? After reading these few lyrics, what thoughts come to mind? Is it convicting?

beloved one September 29, 2008

I have been fascinated lately by John, the beloved disciple.  It all began when I started praying that I would crave Jesus like I crave oxygen. I  long to be intimately connected with jesus on a minute to minute basis not just on certain times of the week or day.

One day I was praying and I got this picture in my mind of John the disciple leaning against Jesus’ chest. I love that picture now, but at first it made me really uncomfortable. See back in Jesus’ day, people reclined on the floor to eat dinner. They laid on their sides, raised up on one arm  on pillows at a table that was only several inches off the floor. So, the verses in John that describe the dinner times with Jesus and the disciples are very intimate. THen the picture of John laying his head on Jesus’ chest, now that it close…it’s like spooning!  Disturbing?? It was to me the first time I heard it. 

ok, now that you are over the initial disturbance, think about how close that is. Think about having your ear up to the chest of the Christ, hearing His heartbeat, hearing him breathe.  What kind of man was John that he was so comfortable with such intimacy? What kind of man was so unabashedly in love with Jesus? NOt only in love with Jesus, but obviously completely aware of the love that Jesus had for him too! It was unhindered love and affection between the messiah and one of his beloved.

THis is the kind of unhindered love I want to have for Jesus. I want to love Him with my whole broken, human heart.  I want to be completely consumed by the love He has for me. I want to see His eyes burning with Love for me!  When we know that kind of Love, we are going to spill it out on those around us. That is the essence of what Christianity is….knowing the love of God and letting it flow through us on a broken world.

I want to burn with love for this God…. I want to burn with Love for His world.

Love and the fear of drowning September 10, 2008

Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world.
I john 4:17

There are many times in my life that I find it hard to believe that God takes pleasure in me. He takes pleasure from those who desire Him in the depths of their heart. Those He calls His own, he delights in us. He is in love with us…. A broken and weak people. We are His betrothed. He is lovesick for us.
I was listening to a teaching this week while traveling, that made this statement:

“God is so in love with his church that if we just lean in His direction, He will run ten steps closer.”

That is a beautiful thought to me. I struggle so much with this mindset of making myself worthy of His love, that at times I forget that it is less about what I do and more about my heart. I cannot bring more value to myself than He bestowed upon me when He send His Son to die for me. That is the value of my life, the life of the Son of God. That is your value too. Why is it so difficult to believe that sometimes?

We have all heard the verse that says ‘perfect Love cast out all fear’ which by the way is the directly following the one at the top of this page, but to understand the depth of that statement, I think that verse 17 is important. Love has been perfected among us….because as HE is, so are WE IN THIS WORLD. This is not talking about our character being perfect, but our position to God through Christ. It is saying that in the eyes of God, the judge of the world, we are in the same position as Jesus. Do you grasp that?? I mean it is blowing my mind the more I chew on this. I have talked to many believers over the years who live in fear of God’s judgment, disapproval and punishment so much that they are paralyzed. When you cannot see the truth of this verse, and the work that God already did to bring us into relationship with Him, you live in fear and bondage. God is so much in love with us, a broken, needy people, that He did the work to make it possible to be with Him. He already accomplished it. There is nothing left for us to do, but lean into Him.

Have you ever seen a movie or television show, an individual who cannot swim, thrown into a pool or river that they think is deep water? They struggle, panic, flail about only to realize that they are in only a few feet of water? All they had to do was stand up? Sometimes I feel like as Christians we do the same thing. We get into this life called Christianity all bound with fears of failing and judgment and instead of standing up in the position that Christ has given us, we flail around, striving and working to earn that position. We do not have to cower in shame nor do we have to grovel for mercy, He has already given the greatest gift of mercy available! We can stop striving and trying to keep our head above water so to speak, we are not going to drown. We cannot be ripped from the hand of the God who holds us. Our beautiful, all powerful, sovereign and lovesick bride groom sees us with eyes burning with the flame of love. Stand up and take your position in Him. Accept that there is no fear in Love. We have to believe that the debt has been paid IN FULL. We own nothing and are free to reciprocate the love He has given us. Hallelujah!!

It’s like wearing glasses August 29, 2008

Intercession is different than prayer.  When I pray, a lot of times, it is things that I think about, worry about, care about and just talking to Jesus.  For me, intercession takes place when Jesus communicates His heart for a  situation and causes me to identify with Him. Intercession is praying the heart of God,  it is praying in agreement with Him. I am an intercessor. That is something that God has called me to be. However there are times when the nature, problems, sins and losses of those I am called to intercede on behalf of can cause me to be discouraged. As a result of this, I have two choices, I can hide deeper in Jesus, or I can put on blinders and  hide away from it.  When I find myself depending on my own nature and strength to “pray” I quickly burnout!!  When I get so involved in people’s pain that I lose sight of God’s heart for that situation, I will burnout too.

See, it’s like wearing glasses. I was laying on my bed this afternoon, praying and I took off my glasses because my eyes just got tired of focusing on things. Sounds silly, I know, but I just wanted to gaze at the blur of my ceiling instead of the patterns formed by the double knock down ceiling. I was sort of thinking all this while praying and I felt God stop me. He helped me to see that there are times that I get tired of  focusing my spiritual eyes on the effects of this fallen world so I take off my “spiritual glasses” in order to get a break. I stop seeking the heart of the father, because the closer I am to His heart, the more I will begin to feel my heart breaking with His. So if I back away, I don’t have to “see it”. I can rest.  I become near sighted again.

There is an effect on my own life as well when I am pulling away from Jesus, I can become self centered, impatient, sullen, and withdrawn in my disillusionment. Sounds a lot like II Peter 1:5-10 to me. It says:

“5For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. 8For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins.
10Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall…”

How do you come to possess these things? By being intimate with Christ. It is a fact that those we are in closest relationship with, we begin to imitate…it’s just human nature. This applies to our relationship with Jesus too.
II Corinthians 3:17-18 says: “17 Now the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. 18 But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.”

I love the imagery of beholding as in a mirror, the glory of the Lord.  That just sounds so intimate to me. To have an unveiled face, to be laid bare before Him,  and to reflect back the image of Christ! That is so beautiful to me. I don’t want to be nearsighted when I gaze upon Him. I want to see clearly who He is, so that I can reflect accurately His heart for His people. I want to be laid bare before the lover of my soul!

So often I put myself in bondage to performance again, when I lose sight of the relationship and try to do the job myself. My prayers become fleshly…based on my own thoughts, feelings and beliefs… which are so discouraging!  Intercession works only when it is born of a right relationship with Christ…it cannot be duplicated!

How about you, do you find your self trying to do your “calling” out of your own strength? Does it lead you to burn out?

Living in Rome August 26, 2008

Where can a dead man go?  Question with an answer only dead men know, but I’m gonna bet they never really feel at home  if they’ve spent a lifetime learning how to live in Rome.

-nickel creek  “when in Rome.”

I love Nickel Creek. They are pretty much phenomenal musicians!  I was listening today and just appreciating their amazing vocal blends and instrumental melodies when the lyrics above jumped out at me, bringing me to tears!  I am not normally so easily brought to actual tears but I have had a pretty tough day!    Back to the lyrics though…. I have been really praying a lot lately about becoming a more “kingdom minded” Christian. I want to see the church as a global entity not just  the building that I go to every Sunday and Wednesday or even as  just the other local churches. I want to live a life that has more value than the amount of “stuff” I own or how much money is in my checking account, savings or investments. I want to be so detached from my “stuff” that I would not even hesitate to give it all away.  It’s not mine to begin with… I am merely a conduit God uses to disperse His blessings. I really, really don’t want the typical “American Dream” of a house and 2.5 kids and the dog. I don’t want to spend my life learning to live in Rome.  If I am so focused on becoming wealthy, I am teaching my child that is what matters most. If I esteem high paying jobs over the ones that may not pay as much but are fulfilling the call that God has placed on my life or my child’s life, I am teaching her to live in Rome.  If I am more concerned about looking good than being Christlike, I am just learning to live in Rome.

Rome is not my home, This world is not my home. I think that sometimes in our effort to be relevant and approachable  Christians, we begin to look too much like we are “home” instead of aliens in a foreign land. I am so guilty of this.  We are so immersed in this culture, that it’s like a fish in a bowl, we become incapable of grasping what life is like out of water.  My heart’s cry is to learn to live with a bigger goal than just spending all my energy surviving this life, but to get to know my betrothed, who I will spend all eternity with.

How about you? Have you spent a lifetime learning to live in Rome?

For your information July 25, 2008

Since, It’s been about a year since I began blogging and I have a lot more readers now… (though not many commenters..hint hint ) I thought I would post my life story in cliff note version. So you can know a little about me!

I was born in 1978 to my parents, the first-born child of two. My brother was born 2 ½ years later. My parents were both Christians and were involved in church. My father worked shift work at a mill about 45 minutes away.  My mom worked too, but only when we were asleep or at school. She was around a lot. She was sort of the June Cleaver type, cooking, cleaning and generally involved in our lives.
Most of the memories of my family are of being super involved in church. Our lives were always wrapped around it. They are mostly good memories now.   At one time most of them brought the sting of rejection.  I never felt that I could measure up to what I was supposed to be. Some unattainable and lofty Godliness that I now know is impossible to achieve.  I knew what a mature Christian looked like and I could talk the talk really well. I thought I was one.  I was running frantically trying to look like I had it figured out. At school, I performed too. I was a good student and  a cheerleader.  I made sure everyone knew I was a Christian. I was so judgmental and  hypocritical. Don’t get me wrong, I loved Jesus to the best of my ability (or so I thought)  and I did genuinely want others to know Him.  I just did it out of fear and  did not know what it was like to have  love relationship with the One who created me.  I now know that I did not have the steps in the middle filled in.  What do I mean? Well I did not have a relationship with Christ. I just had empty rituals and jargon. I had the appearance of Godliness but not the power of God. I had a distant, performance-based relationship with Him. I felt that He was constantly disappointed in me. I could never do enough to make Him proud of me…. It took some time to realize this was not the first time I had felt like this.  I had felt like this all my life growing up. I never felt that I could please my parents. I felt that nothing was ever good enough. I had to be the best at everything I did or I was a failure.  I put up a good facade of being a happy, well-adjusted, Christian girl but on the inside, I was miserable. I hated my life and wished I were dead.
I was 11 the first time I thought about suicide.  The thought came to my mind dozens of times a day. Every time I felt angry, hurt or like a failure, I would think about ending my life. I was too afraid of actually killing my self so I began to cut.  I would run razors over my skin until I felt some sort of relief from the emotional pain. Anything to relieve the pressure in my life. I wrote out so many suicide notes that I lost count.  I never told anyone this until later on in life. It was my secret shame, one more area I could not live up to the standard. Who was I to feel this way? I had a good family, I was not the neglected child of divorced parents!!  How could I help others if I could not help myself? I had nothing to give. I was empty and broken.  I tried to bring worth to myself by  performing and looking like I had it all together,  all in the hope that my pain would be healed.  I began thinking that if I got married.  I thought that a husband who loved me unconditionally would heal my pain. I began dating Jon in 1995, The summer before Senior year.  We dated exclusively until we got married in 1998. Within six months of marriage, I began to have suicidal ideas again. I was devastated. I really thought that marriage was going to bring me relief. I came to realize that there was no human who could fill the emptiness in my soul. I had to face the fact that it was not my circumstances that were causing my so much pain. The pain was in me. The problem was me. I joined a seekers group through Living Well Ministries in September 1998.  That small group of women  helped lead me out of the darkness I was living in. I know that God ordained this step in my life and  I am so grateful to my Father in Heaven that He spared my life. Not only did He spare it, He has redeemed it and brought meaning and joy into it. He sent me on a journey to discover why I felt the way I did and taught me how to Love myself and others from the abundance of my heart instead of the emptiness. I now know that Love is a choice. I don’t have to look for love to fill my brokenness, I now love because I know what love is…it has a name and that name is Jesus Christ!
I love my life now. I am even at peace with my past. I am very glad that I lived through the pain I did  because through it I saw the kind of God I serve. Suicide is no longer a thought for me. I am happily married and I love who God created me to be. He has transformed me. I now gladly serve Him because He brought me out of darkness into the light of His love.  I love Him more than anything in this world! I now see a constant thread throughout my life that was Him. He wove together the ugly, dark of my past with the light and beauty of  His love and made a beautiful tapestry!

Fraudulent Peace and other scams July 22, 2008

I watched a show last year on dateline or 20/20 about these email scams, in which men in Africa look for women in America in order to begin an online love relationship. They begin to feed the woman the words of love and affirmation that they long to hear. All the while telling their own sob story about financial woes. When the women is indeed “in love” the man  askes for money in order to fly to the US to meet in person.  However, they never show up because it’s a scam.

I got an interesting offer this morning in my email inbox. It was a lovely email (note sarcasm)  from a man who had found my profile on wordpress. He called himself Peace. The message stated in no uncertain terms that he would like to forge a relationship with me based on a love that has no color, educational, religious or language barriers. He also offered good faith, understanding, peace and love to me.  Now obviously, I know he is full of crap and this is apparently a scam but I began to think about the many things that we as humans fall into looking for peace. We look to other people to fill the emptiness in our souls, we look to food, drugs or alcohol to numb pain, we look to sex to find fulfillment, we look to busyness to find value and the list goes on and on.  There are so many alluring voices and messages in the world whispering lies to us, leading us to believe that we could find fulfillment in them. I think it’s very interesting that the author of my fraudulent email called himself Peace. The more I have thought about that fact, the angrier I have become. The injustice involved that this man would prey upon people who are longing to find peace is just appalling!

Taking it to a different level though, I have heard it said that satan does not come offering unpleasant or unattractive things to us, but he comes offering us beautiful and alluring distractions. I have found this to be true in my own life and the lives of those close to me. I believe that Satan often times knows our desires and our weaknesses and that he offers us counterfeits to fill them. He knows that the best counterfeits look almost identical to the real deal. But much like mirages in the desert, these false comforts turn to vapor when we reach out to them.

I used to be a bank teller. During our training, we were told to study $50 and $100 bills  until we had memorized what they looked like. We were told that until we had memorized exactly what they looked like and all their characteristics, we would easily fall for a counterfeit. Which brings me to  intimacy with Jesus. When I am maintaining my friendship with Jesus, He fills my deepest longings with Himself, which is the real deal. As I begin to behold Him, it becomes very easy to spot the counterfeit of the enemy. I pray that He will fill my senses with the reality of Himself so much that I will not run to false gods to fill me. I hope that you will make that your prayer too!